I'm still a little numb from everything that happened today. I know that people die on our watch. I know that sometimes we make mistakes. But it's a hard thing to face. And I know Nancy is right - it won't get any easier. I just hope I get better at what I do and this never happens again.
It's times like these when you find out who your true friends are. Nancy and Diana really had my back today. Well, and Tyler too - in the end. He was a dick all day. But then came clean. I was shocked. And... well... touched. He told me the story of his first kill - a story he doesn't really share...
He and his paramedic picked up a kid. He was hit by a car while riding his bike. He rolled over the car, onto the road and ended up under another car. He was a mess. One of his legs was crushed by the second car. Massive trauma everywhere. The slight motion of boarding him ripped open his femoral artery. The paramedic was screaming at Tyler to tie it off while she tried to secure an airway. But the more Tyler pulled on the tourniquet, the more damage he did to the artery. The crushed bone fragments sliced through it with every cinch. The kid bled out on the way to the hospital.
I don't know if I could come back from that. I know that I'll be seeing Sam's dad's face when I go to sleep at night - for a good long time. I don't know that I'd ever be able to sleep again if it were a kid's face.
Tyler's an amazing guy. He carries that around with him. He wears it like a badge. A lesson. And no one really knows. Now every save he makes is kind of a tribute to that kid. It keeps him going.
I'm gonna try to do the same. See if it helps with the nightmares...
Pace a voi.