Raising a Schrute

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The Office
Raising a Schrute
Angela's enormous monster baby reminds me of another enormous monster baby I once met: myself. If the DNA results prove Philip is my spawn, …
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
The diligent life of a Schrute begins as soon as the mother bites off the umbilical cord. Much like a cow walks two hours after birth, a Sch…
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
This is primarily due to the fact that within the Schrute family, it's tradition for the youngest child to raise the other children. I've be…
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The Office - Season 8
Raising a Schrute
Schrute babies are born with six-packs and firm German thighs. They don't waste time "scooting" or rolling around like idiots. They're walki…
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
You'll never see a Schrute drooling on themselves in one of those froofy "cribs" while watching Moron the Explorer. Instead, they spend thei…
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
It may seem as if hours of manual labor displeases them. On the contrary! It's simply that Schrutes are taught not to smile, as showing one'…
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Raising a Schrute
Since Schrute children bear a great deal of responsibility but no driver's license, they're each assigned their own goat to ride in and out …
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
A popular rite of passage ritual is the "Dresser Dive." At Christmastime, the youth must eat an entire ham, then dive into the swimming hole…
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
Upon success, they're considered a man and get to keep the handmade dresser as a gift. If they fail, they're rolled in manure and then put i…
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The Office
Raising a Schrute
Schrutes are indefatigable, and Philip would be no exception. I can already picture him eagerly tugging at the fibrous root of a red beet, a…