The Ultimate Guide to Throwing a Garden Party by James Trickington

Chapter One

A proper garden party must be valeted, even if you have to park the automobiles in the hindmost part of your eerie cornfield.

Chapter Two

Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone at present.

Chapter Three

Respectable dress is "Colonial tea party chic," which includes but is not limited to hooped gowns, wigs and velvet breeches.

Chapter Four

Security should be intensive. Guests must bring a drivers license, passport, utility bills and go through a TSA-style screening process.

Chapter Five

Certainly do not provide napkins. Mannerly people never spill, and they will be vastly insulted if you imply they possibly could.

Chapter Six

Hire a brass band and have them play time-honored American favorites such as "Hey Mickey," "Macarena," "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" and so forth.

Chapter Seven

Speak in a British accent. Think Anne Hathaway in that new romantic drama meets Madonna circa 1995. Your guests will be dazzled and intrigued.

Chapter Eight

The host should present something spectacular to draw the attention of the guests, such as an ice sculpture or a pool filled with Italian wine.

Chapter Nine

One of the host's most important duties is as dance master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.

Chapter Ten

You must perform closing ceremonies that involve carrying lit torches. This will prove your flaming compassion for the perfect garden party.