The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

When something’s both good and bad, people say it’s “a double-edged sword.” I think that’s ridiculous. A double-edged sword is always a good thing. You can do twice the damage with it.

I believe the children are our future. Specifically Chinese children.

Gambling for money is fun, but gambling for livestock is so much better. If you end up winning, you get the satisfaction of victory and a ride home.

I like to tell time using the sun. If it’s sunny, then it’s time for work. If it’s dark, then it’s time to make money.

Globes are great for hiding stuff. Nobody ever bothers to look inside a globe, and if they do, they’re probably really weak anyway, so you can just beat them up and run away.

Never talk to men with red hair. They live by different rules than you or I. There’s a reason all the famous clowns have red hair and it’s not because red is a friendly hair color.

I’ve been running a lot lately and I’m getting into really good shape. Of course, it really helps that I’m carrying a lot of loot while I run.

When I’m in a new situation, I tell everyone it’s my birthday. People really treat you better when they think it’s your birthday, whether they know you or not.

I hate waiting. It drives me nutso. If I’m at a drive-thru window and it’s taking too long to get my food, I’ll just get out of my car and go for a walk for half an hour. When I get back, I’m much calmer and the fast food joint gets an important message about wasting people’s time.

I carry a salt shaker in my pocket because you never know when you’ll need to teach a slug a lesson.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 86-7-53-09

Let’s talk about gas, because at this moment in history, it’s out of control. Seriously. I’ve had bad gas for weeks now and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s terrible and I mean really awful. It smells a little like a mix between very wet cats and regurgitated corn chips. I don’t know what’s been causing it, but I need to find out because it’s making me sick.

Honestly, if I didn’t have to smell it myself, I’d be happy about it. Gas is a powerful weapon. You want some space to yourself? Unload a popper and those seats next to you clear out real fast. You want a day off of work? Start a little seat orchestra and you’ll be sent home in no time. I wish I were back in my twenties when I couldn’t smell anything because then I’d have some fun with these stinkbombs. Sadly, every time I let one go, I’m my own first victim.

I end up being victim to myself a lot. That’s what happens when you do a lot of home chemical mixing. It started out as a hobby, but I’ve really stepped up my game in the last few years. I’m trying to find a chemical cure for wrinkles, but it’s not going so well. I have, however, invented quite a few potions for giving yourself rashes. When rashes come back into “vogue,” I’ll be the king of the rash world.

Rash World sounds like a really fun theme park, don’t you think? I’d visit, as long as the admission price wasn’t too high. I wonder if they have funnel cakes at Rash World. Funnel cakes are incredible. They’re my favorite fried batter-based cake.

Other types of cakes that I enjoy: snack cakes, birthday cakes, coffee cakes, tea cakes, ice cream cakes, urinal cakes, erotic cakes, layer cakes, hot cakes, and wedding cakes. Cakes that I do not enjoy: cupcakes. Why waste my time on a cupcake when I can get the real deal? Cupcakes should only be eaten in times of war or famine. Or when they’re filled with cream. That’s it.

Short broads. They’re the best. If you’ve been keeping up with these bloggeroos, you might remember the types of women I go for: Brazilian, Ukrainian, South African, Canadian [the further North, the better], short, and Wisconsin. I didn’t say that the list was in order, though. Truth be told, short is at the way top of the list, while Ukrainian is actually really far down. That being said, if I found a short Ukrainian dame, I wouldn’t kick her out of my sleeping bag (for some reason, I can’t find my bed again – if you’ve seen it, give me a call). For me, short is where it’s at and this little entry is a tribute to short girls everywhere. I wrote them a poem.

That’s my ode to the shorties. They deserve it. Keep reaching for the sky, short girls, and if you can’t reach it, I’ll lift you up.