The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

I’m Batman. At least that’s what I tell women in bars after a few rounds. It’s a great pick-up line because they have no way of knowing if it’s true or not. Sure, they have a 99% chance of knowing that you’re not Batman, but it’s that 1% that gives you the in.

What you’re really looking for is the lady that wants to argue with you about how much you’re not Batman. Those are the broads that end up in bed with you later on yelling “Yes, Batman! Show me your utility belt!” It works every time. It also helps to have a utility belt with you because up until that point, she may still not believe you’re Batman, but when you produce the utility belt, you send her head spinning.

I never used to be good at pick-up lines because I was too direct. “I’d like to be your blanket” works on some chicks, but most of them just slap you and walk away. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good slapping. It’s good for the skin and makes you focus on the task at hand. I’d just rather talk to the woman than get slapped, that’s all. So I had to take a different approach. I’ve heard of new dating advice books where you’re supposed to insult a girl to get her attention, but I think that’s the wrong approach. If I’m not pretending to be Batman, I like to use really impressive facts to get them to talk to me.

I’ll pick out the hottest lady in the bar (or zoo or botanical garden or wherever else I might happen to be) and get her attention with a really loud whisper. Women respond really well to whispers. It’s because they like secrets. So I’ll whisper, “Hey you, come over here” and I’ll look like I’ve got a real big secret to tell them. When they come over, I reach into my bag of facts (not literally) and pull out a good one. “Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that copulate for pleasure.” It works like a charm. Most of the time. Not really. It gets me slapped less, though, so I’m sticking with it.

I’ve been trying something new lately and it’s really put a new spin on how I go through my days. Instead of waking up ten minutes before work and wiping myself down with a damp paper towel, I’ve been waking up really early and going for walks all over town. You’d be amazed at how quiet this place is without people in it. I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.

I went over to Nay Aug Park the other day at around 4am and even the geese were still asleep when I got there. I couldn’t believe my luck. It’s been a dream of mine for years to see how far I could throw a goose and this was the perfect opportunity. I’ve definitely learned that you’ve got to strike fast when dealing with sleeping animals because the element of surprise is your biggest weapon. That old wives’ tale about letting sleeping dogs lie only applies if you don’t have a plan for after you wake up the dog. With geese, it’s the same story. You wake up a goose just for the fun of it, you’ll get pecked like no tomorrow. Their beaks are painful, man. You don’t want to find out first hand.

One of my great joys in life is going to the car wash. Some people may think of it as a hassle, just another chore in their already over-chored lives, but not me. The car wash for me is a wonderful place. It’s where you go to get a new lease on life, or at least a new lease on your scooter. I’m not talking about actual leases – I have no idea how to get a new lease on a scooter. I won mine in a fight. I’m talking about that feeling when you bring in your scooter all caked in mud and whatever other junk might be stuck on there and you ride off with a shiny new-looking scooterino. That’s satisfaction.

You might not have a scooter. You might have a car: the more “traditional” vehicle to take to a car wash. I’m a proud scooter owner and as a proud scooter owner, I like to keep my scooter clean. After all, dirt really shows up on red plastic, you know? So once every month or so in the summer, I take a trip to the place on Moosic and get my wheels all soaped up.

It’s hard to describe the feeling I get at the car wash without sounding dirty (not that that’s ever stopped me before), but I’ll try. It feels a little bit like I’m in the hospital getting a sponge bath from some real foxy nurses. Replace hospital with car wash and real foxy nurses with real burly joes and that’s pretty much what the experience is like. I love to see them get down and dirty with my little scooter. Wipe it down and rinse it off and put so much care into the job. When it comes out of there all gleaming and clean, I feel like I need a smoke.

Look, I’m not a real extravagant guy. I pick fights with extravagant guys. But the car wash is the one place where I can throw down eight bucks once a month and feel like a king. A fella’s got to feel pampered once in a while, you know?