The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

I spend a lot of time in the library. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not there for the books. Books are for table balancing and throwing at birds. I go for the air conditioning and the smell. Libraries smell good. It almost makes me want to like books, but not quite. Anyway, there’re a lot of kids at the library -- maybe it’s summer school or something – and these kids talk like I’ve never heard before. It’s like a secret street language and I want in. They say stuff like “that dude got clowned” and “he got that swag when he walks.” I want to know what the hell these kids are talking about, but they won’t tell me. I’ve tried going up to the kids to talk about the phrases, but they get kind of freaked out by me. Just wait until they need an ID – then we’ll see who’s running away and telling the librarians.

Anyway, those jerks won’t tell me anything, so I’m making up my own words and phrases. This is my street dictionary and I’m not even charging for it. Just don’t tell the kids in the library, okay?

Keep it bowlin’ – Everyone likes bowling, so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up.

Ploppers – This means bad. “Did you see that movie last night? It was ploppers.”

Horribly obese – I’m taking this one from the library kids. They say things are fat all the time, so I took it a step further. In this case, it means the most beautiful ever. If a foxy dame comes walking in, you can call her horribly obese. I think it might take some time before it catches on, so use this one with caution because some broads may not have heard it yet and could take it the wrong way.

Willy fingers – Perhaps the hardest to explain, but you get willy fingers when you really want to fight someone. “When my boss was yelling at me, I really started getting willy fingers.” Your fingers start moving real fast and itching because they want to hit something – that’s the willy fingers.

Those kids are going to regret not letting me in on their lingo. My slang’s going to take over the nation and there’s nothing those idiots can do to stop it. Keep it bowlin’, people.

We’re having a party at work tomorrow to celebrate “08/08/08 Day,” which is great because I’ll be able to eat enough that I won’t have to buy food for a week. That’s my favorite part about work parties – they end up saving me a lot of moolah in the long run. I wish they were more fun, though. If I was in charge, we’d be rocking and rolling all night. My parties would go down in history as the best work parties of all time. Here’s a rundown of my perfect party:

We’d start out with a bang, and by that I mean I’d fire off a starter’s pistol so people knew the party actually started. The very first event of the party would be Bobbing for Creed Shots. I’d fill a large kiddie pool with Creed Juice -- a mixture of kool-aid, Pop Rocks, and grain alcohol -- and throw some shot glasses in there. Then everyone has to lean in, grab a shot glass with their mouths, and take the shot. It’s messy but it sure gets things started right. If you’re not drunk after Bobbing for Creed Shots, you’re not playing right.

So after everyone’s good and sauced up, I’d break out the piñatas. The key to piñatas at parties is naming them. If you name them after co-workers, you know people are going to really get into it. I’m not so great with names, so I’d let somebody else do the naming, but trust me, they would all be named. As for filling them, that all depends on the budget. If there’s no dinero for the piñatas, then I’d fill them with dry rice. If there’s a little cash around, then I’d go for hard candy. With hard candy, you get the fun of seeing the piñata burst AND the injuries that go with it.

After piñata time, we’d go straight into the eating contests. I’m partial to deviled eggs for quantity, but I know hot dogs are pretty popular these days, too. I’d compromise and make hot dog omelets for everyone to scarf down. I’m pretty sure I know who’d win, but you never can tell – sometimes the smallest accountants make the biggest eaters.

When the party winds down, I’d do another round of Bobbing for Creed Shots and then send people on their way with Goody Bags. The bags would just be filled with office supplies, but hey, everyone likes a parting gift, right?

They should really make me head of that party committee thing. I’d be amazing.

Why is it so impressive to sleep on a bed of nails? There’s obviously a trick to it that makes it not hurt. I think the real challenge is sleeping in a bed filled with needles. You just know that’s not gonna end well.

I’ve gone for rolls in the hay and it is nothing like sex.

Sometimes I’ll do shots of mouthwash. It gets me a little tipsy and gives me great breath.

I think baseball should introduce a longstop position, just in case the shortstop misses the ball.

Who decided that we needed both North and South Dakota. It seems like a lot of wasted paperwork to me.

Catching flies with your hands is fun, but catching frogs with your feet is a lot more satisfying.

I like to wear two undershirts most days because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game.

I want to open up a bar called “Creed’s Meads” and bring mead back to how popular it was during the American Revolution. It’ll be right between my book store and woodwind instrument shop – Creed’s Reads and Creed’s Reeds.

Why hasn’t anyone built a live-action version of Chutes and Ladders? I’d be first in line to play.

I’ve always thought that shopping carts are just mobile jails for food and all the prisoners are sentenced to death by ingestion. Kind of makes you shop differently, huh?