By Creed on November 29, 2007 at 12:21
They say the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Not for the old Creedster. For me, Black Friday’s when I work out all my problems. I don’t need to waste my cash on fancy “therapists” or “court-appointed analysts.” Instead, I just suit up and get ready for battle. That’s how I celebrate the fourth Friday of every November.
This year, I didn’t even go to sleep after Thanksgiving. I was so jazzed up from the massive portion of cranberry sauce that I couldn’t stop pacing. At around 2:30am, I decided it was time to start getting ready. I wrapped my body in newspapers and Black Friday ads until I had a good enough base to know I’d be okay if anybody had a shiv. Then I started gathering my weapons. Instead of brass knuckles (which I always lose), I found these really sharp plastic spider rings that were leftover from Halloween. For poking and tripping, I grabbed a cane from one of the geezers at the soup kitchen. [SIDE NOTE: People underestimate the value of old man weapons. I’m allowed to walk around with a cane anywhere I damn well please and that cane comes in handy, let me tell you. It’s just one of those social conventions that works in favor of the elderly – same goes for early bird senior specials at restaurants.]