The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

Remember when I told you about those flashbacks I was having with my old dog Bozo? Well guess what? He’s back, or rather, she’s back. I found a dog that looked just like Bozo wandering around Wilkes-Barre over the weekend by herself and I immediately snatched her up. You might think it’s cruel to snatch a dog, but I say it’s the only way. I got a real big sack with breathing holes cut all over it and then I coaxed her to walk into it by throwing about fifteen hot dogs in there. Once she was in the sack, I took her home with me and we’ve been best friends ever since. I’ve been thinking about fitting her for a saddle since she’s kind of big and I’ve been meaning to start a doggy ride business for carnivals anyway.

Doggy rides were one of my favorite childhood pastimes. Pony rides and elephant rides seem to be the most popular form of animal rides, but doggy rides are a lot more fun. They’re like those mini-motorcycles that crazy idiots buy these days. With a doggy ride, you never know where you’re going to end up: The dogs might take off like jack-rabbits when they see something or the dogs could just plop down and take a rest. We used to call those Sitsies. You could never get a refund for a Sitsie, but you’d always get a rain check.

My first step in dog ownership is training. I’ve already trained my pooch to relax, bark at the doorbell, and drink water. Pretty soon we’re going to work on pee in the house and growl. She’s super smart, so she’s been picking everything up so quickly. I really want to teach her to give me haircuts, but I’ve had bad luck giving animals hair clippers recently.

Picking a name is the most important part of getting a new dog. With a girl dog, you’ve got a few ways to go. You can call her a traditional feminine name, like Molly or Annabelle, you can name her something that relates to the way she looks like Blackhead or Furry Paws, or you can name her based on something you really like. That’s why I’m calling my dog “Hot.” I love hot dogs. Always have, even in my vegetarian days. Now that I have my own little hot dog running around with me, I’ll be constantly reminded of her sausage-y goodness. If you see Hot and me taking a stroll, come on over and say hi, but watch out. I’m in the middle of training her to bite strangers.

A lot of blue-collar guys have toolkits to help them do their jobs. The kits got whatever tools they need to get their jobs done – hammers, screwdrivers, jaws of life, etc. As a guy that doesn’t build things or fix things, you might think that I don’t need a toolkit, but you’d be wrong. I have my own kit that I carry around with me every day and I’ve pared it down over the years to just the bare essentials.

1. Nail clippers. I don’t know about you, but my nails grow crazy fast. That’s not even why I carry the clippers, though. Clippers are great when you need to cut something, like a wire or a chain, and you don’t want to be seen carrying something bigger. Sure, they’re not the strongest things in the world, but trust me, they get the job done. Not only that, but they provide a great cover for anything you’re doing. Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re trying to get in somewhere you’re not supposed to be and, all of a sudden, some fatso security guard comes walking through. Do you freak out? No way. You just pull out your clippers and start clipping your nails. Who are you? Just a normal guy trying to work on his personal hygiene. It’s perfect.

2. Gauze. Gauze is a great accessory. If you get hurt, put gauze on it. If you want to make people think that you’re hurt, wrap a little gauze anywhere on your body and boom – instant sympathy. Nobody ever bothers to look under gauze. Ever. If you get tired, just whip out that roll of gauze and use it as a pillow. It’s incredibly soft. I’m not even getting into its obvious uses as a bathroom helper. You know what I mean.

3. Business cards. They don’t have to say your name on them. Mine don’t. Mine say a bunch of other people’s names. I just pick up a few every time I see a stack of them somewhere. The point isn’t to tell someone who you are, it’s to tell them that you’re a professional. When you hand someone a business card, they know you mean business. That’s why they’re called business cards.

My toolkit comes in handy almost every day. I don’t go anywhere with it. Now that you know what’s in my toolkit, I’ve got to ask – what’s in your toolkit?

I’m sorry to say it, but I stopped writing my yeti story. It just got to be too much of a hassle for me. I mean, I’ve already got a job. Who needs two jobs, you know? I realized that I never became an adventure writer because every time I tried, I’d get bored and the whole thing would fizzle out. In case you were wondering, young Creed was going to capture the yeti and put him in an airplane circus and become a millionaire. It made me kind of depressed just thinking about it because I should be a millionaire, but I’ve never been able to find any yetis to capture. I’ve still got time, though, I suppose.