The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

Back in the fall, I was drinking a lot of Red Bulls and they really made me feel like I was being shot out of a cannon. I loved the stuff. Problem is, that junk is expensive. Who can afford to drink more than one a day? Certainly not me. My money goes to more enterprising pursuits, like laminating equipment and buying ladies drinks. I wish I could drink six or seven cans of the stuff a day to keep me going, but until I win the lottery, that’s not happening. When I was in the convenience store the other day, though, I saw this new energy drink called VivaMaxxPlus, so I decided to give it a shot.

Let me tell you, that stuff is amazing. They’re half the price of the Bull and they get my heart going even faster. It’s incredible. I drink a whole mess of them at lunchtime and then I’m awake until the sun comes up. It really helps me get through the workday and then my real workday, which starts at around 10pm. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get, but it’s like someone hooked up a battery to my body and it’s in charge of making my blood flow, but the dial that controls the speed got messed up and it’s stuck on “super fast.” That’s exactly what it feels like. That, or stepping on an exposed wire at a construction site where you’re trying to scam some copper late at night. I know what that feels like and VivaMaxxPlus is pretty similar.

I decided I have to limit myself to three or four a day or else I’m going to get in some real trouble. Any more than that and I get pretty aggressive. Last week, I drank five cans of the sauce and when this new lady started questioning me about what I did at work, I freaked out. I started imagining me and her on a go-kart track, but she didn’t have a go-kart and my go-kart had all kinds of James Bond spy weapons on it. Right when I started picturing myself shooting her with my dashboard missiles, I realized I needed to take it down a notch. I’m not a violent person, but there’s something in that VivaMaxxPlus that makes me craaaaaaazy.

I wonder if they sell a decaf version…

Between the ages of 18 and 31, I completely lost my sense of smell. I was using this nose spray that was supposed to make me a better lover and after about a week of using the stuff, I couldn’t smell a damn thing. It might have been all of the ground-up tiger particles that were supposed to really jump-start your manhood, but who knows? Anyway, I didn’t get my sniffer back until a few days after my 31st birthday when I was walking past this Ukrainian deli and thought to myself “Am I smelling kovbasa?” Indeed I was. I launched into that sausage like there was no tomorrow because it was the first thing I could really taste in years. Ever since then, I’ve been really aware of how important smell is to me.

That’s why I’m proud to announce the arrival of my new fragrance, “CreedScents.” It’s a mixture of my favorite smells: gasoline, three-day-old cigarettes, cash money, pineapple, bleach, and dirt. It smells awesome. When you walk around, people stop and look at you as if to say “Is that you that I’m smelling?” Well, folks, yes it is, and now, for the first time ever, you can smell like me, too. I’m personally bottling it in 100% recycled water bottles that still have their original labels. Just hook up a little squirt attachment to the top (sold separately) and spray away! You can smell like Creed! Your pet can smell like Creed! Your home can smell like Creed! Your car can smell like Creed! Even your kids can smell like Creed! Buy some CreedScents now!

Just a little legal disclaimer: Don’t drink CreedScents. Don’t use CreedScents as a cleaning liquid. CreedScents is not intended to touch the human skin. If your skin comes into contact with CreedScents, immediately scrub the infected area for roughly one hour or else your skin may begin to melt. CreedScents should not be inhaled. Once in the bloodstream, CreedScents can do serious damage to both your brain and most of your major organs. CreedScents should not be used as a narcotic, although it functions as one if distilled into a gel-cap. Please do not distill CreedScents into gel-caps, as the narcotic it becomes is equivalent to a lethal combination of absinthe, lithium, and hemlock. You may get high for a minute, but you’ll be dead forever. By purchasing CreedScents, you agree to release me, Creed Bratton, from any legal action whatsoever. Also, any problems not mentioned here that arise from the use of CreedScents shall be deemed “implied risks” and cannot be used against me, Creed Bratton, in any type of lawsuit.

Stop sitting on your fat ass and buy some CreedScents today!

There was a big blow-up at work last week between the boss man and the black guy. Lots of fireworks. I think the boss man broke out his brass knuckles because I saw a lot of blood on the carpet the next day. Blood on the carpet means trouble – that’s a rule I live by. I don’t like fights at work, because it’s too many parts of my life coming together in one place. I prefer to keep fighting outside of work and my work out of fights. This fight turned out pretty well for me, though, because everyone else got sent home so they could have a private cage match.

The first thing I did when we got sent home was head straight over to the mall for some orange chicken at the Lotus place. That stuff is dynamite. I could eat a shopping cart full of it. Sadly, they don’t sell it by the shopping cart, no matter how often I ask them to, so I settled for a combo meal. There were a few high school kids in the food court, so I tried to drum up some new customers for my novelty identification and lamination business. They weren’t interested. Apparently there’s some punk over at Scranton Prep who does a really good Delaware now. Even better than my Georgia. I’m going to track that kid down and have a “talk” with him. When it comes to novelty identification and lamination, I need to be the only game in town.

After the mall, I was pretty riled up, so I headed over to that “Just Paint It” place where you can paint your own pottery. That place is like a zen garden to me. I just sit down, grab a small ceramic elephant and go to town. I can zone out for two, three hours painting that thing. The best part about it is that when I’m done, I get to take it with me. You’d be surprised how much you can get for an orange and green elephant when you tell people it’s imported from Indonesia.

I spent the rest of the night over at the grocery store sampling the candy in the bulk bins. They didn’t even hassle me about it. Not that I really keep track, but that may have been my best day ever.