The Office TV Show Series on NBC: Creed Thoughts

Creed Thoughts

2012-11-15T19:35:04Z

Almost winter. Time to turn my tennis rackets back into snowshoes. Or maybe it's the other way around. Either way, I wish those looky-loo's at the Y would mind their own business.

Every time I have a hard day, I just have to remind myself that I'm that much closer to achieving my childhood dream of terrorizing kids driving around in vans solving mysteries.

Man, dinosaurs really got the shaft huh?

Meg Ryan still won't return my calls. Meg if you're reading this, I made a huge mistake. It's all my fault. It's two parts rum, not one. I'm so sorry.

And now I'd like to do a segment I like to call Creed's Feeds. We're talking eats folks. Let's dish on grub. They have peanut butter but not peanut margarine. Why is that? Some of us are watching our figure. And where is my peanut orange juice? The only stuff I can find has pulp in it. Yuck.

The worst part about being a chocoholic is that it's so hard to find good chocohol. Though after some digging, I managed to track down a few leads at Chocoholics Chocononymous. Chocolicious!

Rice is a staple. Beans are a staple. But staples aren't. And rice and beans make terrible staples. Trust me.

This has been Creed's Feeds.

Turns out they're not all flying squirrels. Miss you Bucky. For a moment you were among the clouds, which is more than most of us can say. You were and still are my inspiration, truly the wind beneath my wings. Just wish you had had a pair yourself.

For a long time, I've been told that I have a screw loose. Well I finally found it! It was on my toilet paper roll holder. So I tightened it and it no longer wiggles. Glad I found it. It's been driving me crazy for years! Thanks for all the letters of concern!

The song Puff The Magic Dragon is about exactly what you think it's about: the post-colonial effect on the exportation of the culture of Southeast Asia.

That wraps up another round of Creed Thoughts. Wait a minute... who took these? These are my thoughts. Get your own! Who's been stealing these? I'm so angry right now I could Puff an entire Magic Dragon.

XOXO, Gossip Creed

Creed Thoughts

2012-10-09T16:00:00Z

People always say, "Hey, Creed, what's the toughest part about keeping a blog? Is it coming up with things to write about? Keeping a regular schedule? Keeping it fresh?" Actually, the hardest part for me is remembering the password. So after a few tries, I'm back in! And, boy, do I have some thoughts!

For instance, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Actually, it depends. Because I find that some watermelon each day keeps the podiatrist away. And ever since I started eating plums, I have yet to run into a cardiologist. Coincidence?

Like Mary, I used to have a little lamb. Unlike Mary, I skewered that sucker on a spit and had some delicious mutton for a week. (It wasn't so little). Hey, don't blame me, blame the dumb lamb that wandered onto my property.

It's election season. I would tell you who I'm gonna vote for, but to tell the truth I don't think I'll vote. They always hold elections on a weekday and I can never take off time from work. I'm surprised anybody can get elected with this system of ours.

Did you ever see that "take a penny, leave a penny" bowl at a cash register? I always take a penny. It adds up. Took me 17 years, but I was finally able to buy a fairly nice pair of khaki pants. Thanks, AM/PM!

One last thought: There's no such thing as a free lunch, but if you go to the Holiday Inn on Ramsay Road between 6 and 10 in the morning there's a continental breakfast and they don't ask questions if you carry a suitcase and some old plane tickets and look like you're in a rush.

Creed Thoughts

2012-09-06T16:26:42Z

Take a look at your friends. If you don't think you could pull off a decent white-collar crime together, it's time to make some replacements.

Air fresheners are a real waste of dough. If you're looking to make your house or tent smell tasty, the best thing you can do is scatter bits of fresh baked codfish everywhere. Trust me, people will notice.

I keep hearing about a bunch of panthers playing football down in North Carolina?! Now that's something Ol' Creedy has to see for himself! I always sort of suspected panthers were hiding retractable thumbs, those sly bastards...

Weird but true: I've discovered the best way to cure hiccups is to confess to a stranger about all the motor vehicle theft you've been involved in.

I tell ya what, it's real hard to make friends as you get older. Last week I decided to take matters into my own hands by writing "free to a good home" on a cardboard box, putting it by the road and sitting in it. Unfortunately that didn't work. So instead I put on my wetsuit, sat on the curb and waited for someone to take me snorkeling. That didn't pan out either, but I did get to talk to some five-0's who seemed pretty boss after they agreed not to take me down to the station for questioning.

I found this groovy badge at a motel that says, "Do not disturb." I've been wearing it around my neck, but it's not working. Guess I need to find co-workers who speak English?

Summer's ending, which is a real bummer. Here's one thing you can do: tip your head back in the shower and get a bunch of water up your nose. It's unpleasant and you'll probably get an epic earache, but it'll feel like you just went swimming, swear to Hendrix.

On that same note, fall's almost here. Time to sew all the sleeves back onto my shirts.

You may not have known this, but I'm one of the most feared names in toe wrestling. I've been training a lot this year, and if I don't medal at the Toe Wrestling Championship it'll be a real drag, man. I guess there's always the shin-kicking contest to look forward to...

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about "Plan B" lately, which freaks me out cause I don't even have a plan A.

Book idea: mystery.
*Reminder: booby trap apartment before leaving for vacation.

Creed Thoughts

2012-07-26T19:06:27Z

I didn't get much accomplished at work this week, but that's never something I worry about since time isn't real.

I think I could get into this Funny or Die thing. It sounds similar to a game we used to play in the cult called, "Truth, Dare or Death."

It's always been hard for me to decide on my favorite season - Spring, Fall, Orange or Cloud.

I tip waiters extremely well: tips on growing tomatoes, tips for Minecraft, tips for Disneyland, tips for a quickie, tips for a zombie apocalypse, tips on juicing, tips for a curvy body... You name it, I got a tip for it.

Today I'm walking a little taller because of my Gǔ lā shēn (bone-stretching surgery).

I'm not sure what's been going on cosmically, but there have been A LOT of freaky coincidences recently. For example, yesterday I was in the kitchen and so were Pam and Oscar.

People always seem to know it's laundry day when I wear my shower curtain to work.

Sleepwalking is old news. Lately I've been sleep belly dancing. I know this because when I wake up, my obliques are as sore as they were when I was shimmying my way to more sculpted abs in that belly dance fitness class at the high school. Also, my neighbor saw me.

I've been thinking about getting a new look: more hair. But not in a place you would think.

All this time I've been telling people I have a Masters in Humanities cause I thought that was just a made-up word. Turns out it's a legit thing, and now I've gotta give a lecture in Chicago.

This morning I woke up with two thought-provoking questions: "How come my feet are cold? It's roasting outside," and "can you put socks in the toaster?"

Someone once said, "For hope is but the dream of those that wake." Creed once said, "At this very moment, there's a man serving time in jail for a crime I committed."

*Reminder: start an online controversy. Never look back.

Creed Thoughts

2012-05-31T23:28:40Z

I've had the same container of dental floss for over four years. Guess I just haven't had too many shoelace emergencies lately...

I may not know how to speak Serbian, but I'm getting pretty good with keyboard shortcuts. For example, Ctrl+Alt+Tab+F6+Escape+insert a CD+F5+water on the spacebar = short out the computer's motherboard.

I really want a new tattoo, but I'm having trouble deciding between an alien abduction mural on my stomach, or the words "sweet pea" on my lower back.

I've always believed that telling the truth shall set you free. Haha, I'm lying! Lying is way more fun and always will be.

My personal mantra is, "Do I look fat?" Gotcha - lying again! The only other person who knows my personal mantra is dead.

I feel like the biggest sucker in the world. All this time I've been paying MONEY for raisins. Come to find out, raisins are just shriveled up tomatoes.

My downstairs neighbor is a real drag. I'm talking the lamest of the lame. So what if I like to hammer stuff to the floor? Big deal if I play drums with pots! That doesn't make me a "menace." It makes me spunky.

I've got to figure out how I can get my hands on one of those "student loans." I have tons of yard work that needs to be done, and it's the perfect job for a student. So yeah - just need to find somebody to loan me one of them.

I think the craziest thing I've ever found while grave robbing was my brother.

Meredith laughed in my face when I told her I was going back to college to get my degree in exorcism, but who's laughing now that she's possessed by Gary Coleman again?

It's a real shame that you can only wear one sombrero at a time.

Note to self: Don't forget to send out invitations for your snake's fifth birthday party. Tell everyone it's BYOM (bring your own mice).

Creed Thoughts

2012-05-16T23:07:01Z

One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for a while until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down from Heaven and watch over me proudly. But he can't, because he's still alive.

I think it's pretty offensive to call it a "lazy" eye. It wouldn't kill anybody to take a few minutes and actually figure out where it's looking... This is the '90s. It's time to be a little more courteous.

I've learned that pursuing your dreams isn't always easy. But I will continue to work as hard as I can to become the first Bratton to win the World Mayonnaise Eating Championship.

I had long hair once and somebody called me "ma'am." Can't say I minded it.

It would be really far out if you could change your name depending on your mood. Today I feel like "Dubstep O'Brien."

My best friend Sancho from the Exxon Station is so hilarious. I walk in after work and tell him all about my day and my cat's heartworm, and he's like, "I don't know you, sir. Please leave." Gets me every time!

Call me old fashioned, but this whole "going to the dentist" racket seems a little overkill. My sharpened cattle bone gets the job done just fine.

Some days I hear a lot of voices in my head. But the one who's a shrink says it's pretty normal, so I haven't done anything about it yet.

I've been writing my Congresswoman for years, but I know she's not getting the letters, cause who in their right mind would ignore several romantic booze cruise date offers from yours truly?

I hate being recognized in public when I'm not wearing my metallic purple suit and my scorpion necklace.

I never stray from my homemade trail mix recipe, but just once I'd like to try making it with throat lozenges and Skittles...

Note to self: learn to be good at something you love, get confident, THEN meet a woman.

Creed Thoughts

2012-04-19T19:37:10Z

Pretty much everybody gets mad when you try to pay in pennies these days, and I don't get it. So what if it takes three hours for the cashier to count it out? It's still currency! Not to mention they've got tons of other far out uses.

For instance you can pour a bunch into a glass bottle, and boom: instant maracas. I actually played the penny maracas with a band called Crap Kidney back in '79. It all started one day when I was sitting on the steps of the library, shakin' some pennies around in an old A&W bottle. Honestly I was just doing it to annoy this librarian broad who refused to go bowling with me. The drummer of Crap Kidney just happened to be walking by and thought it sounded like heaven on earth. He had me join the band right then and there. My maracas brought a fun Latin flare to the group, so they renamed me Creedo Castillo. I've never felt sexier. I got to tour the entire state of Minnesota and some of Iowa with that band, and I owe it all to pennies.

And it doesn't stop there, folks. You can melt your pennies down and make a real groovy pair of brass knuckles. I whipped some up for my grandson and let me tell ya, he was king of his preschool 'til he got suspended. You also can check the tread on your tires, use them to balance an uneven table or a wobbly coffin, put them in your brassiere to enhance cup size, or even throw 'em in your breaker box instead of replacing an old fuse. Sure it might cause a fire, but if it doesn't, you just saved yourself fifty bucks! So think about that before you go and say pennies are useless, cause that's the biggest load of garbage I've heard since some jerk told me Atlantis "never existed." It most certainly did, and guess what their preferred moolah was? Actually it was squirrel pelt and feta cheese. But if they had known about pennies, it would have been pennies.

Creed Thoughts

2012-03-15T17:40:57Z

I don't know about you, but I refuse to die from "natural causes." Who'd want that on their tombstone? That's boring as hell. I want mine to say something like, "Here lies Creed Bratton. He died doing what he loved - distance jumping his motorcycle and crashing through burning fuel."

I think the best way to put a stop to deforestation is for scientists to develop trees with larynxes. Think about it. It'd be a lot harder to cut down a tree that's screaming in your face.

It's not the homeless that scare me. It's people with the enormous homes. Maybe it's because I spent '76 - '81 as a homeless man, so I'm biased. But I honestly feel like the wealthiest are always the weirdest. Once I saw this rich guy eating raw fish eggs out of a jar. The man was completely insane! I'd much rather spend my time on the street hanging out with down to earth dudes like Dirty Rusty or One-Leg Bob.

Today I started to regret that fourth string cheese I had, and most of my 50s. I have a feeling I'd regret most of my 40s too, if I could remember them.

I think the vending machine in the break room should take credit cards. I prefer not to carry cash, mainly because it's dirty. I should know. Once when I was super ticked off at the government, I spent hours germing up a bunch of dollar bills and putting them back into circulation.

Here's one thing I'll never understand: people who blast music in their cars, but then act all freaked out when I jump in and start dancing.

In a pinch, butter also makes a great moisturizer.

This is something that keeps happening to me lately - I see a "Subway" sign on just about every block. I walk into one so I can hop on the 6 express to 138th Street, but suddenly I'm in this sandwich shop being asked if I want my bun toasted. It's real strange, man. Like some kind of time train portal to hoagie town. On a side note - great B.M.T.

*Reminder: breathe in, breathe out.

Creed Thoughts

2012-02-16T20:58:04Z

It's been a long time since I took a flight anywhere. Legally, that is. Usually I throw on my "aircraft mechanic" coveralls (which is just my Michael Meyer's Halloween costume), tell everybody I'm fixing the air-conditioning on an Airbus 340, head for the tarmac and hop into somebody's luggage before it's loaded into the belly of the beast. But I've been dealing with a torn ACL after joining this break-dance circle at a bar mitzvah I crashed last month, and there was no way I'd be able to stay in somebody's suitcase for hours crouched up like a giant in a Japanese apartment. So I booked a flight the old-fashioned way: I hid in the airport bathroom and waited for some chump to put his carry-on down, stole his tickets and wallet and bada bing bada boom - Ol' Creedy's got himself a business flight to San Jose.

The experience started out pretty great. At security - out of nowhere - this TSA broad says to me, "I'll be passing my hand over your backside and then come up the insides of your legs toward the private parts. Is that alright?" I said, "Hot damn, is it my birthday?!" Now I've been rendered irresistible many times before, but never publicly by an older security lady who I wasn't even sure was a woman at first. I guess maybe that was my reward for having to wait in line for 20 minutes. Though after that, things started to go downhill real fast. I was in first class, but I didn't even get a pillow. How am I supposed to lay back and have psychedelic dreams without a pillow?? I knew I'd be wide awake the whole time, so I figured I might as well stuff my pie hole, primo style. Until the flight attendant tells me the only food available is crackers and pretzels. And there wasn't even any ketchup to dip them in! I was so peeved I smoked a cigarette, which got everybody's panties in a bunch because apparently it's "illegal" these days.

Before this, the last airplane cabin I was in was Elvis's Convair 880. That thing had real Graceland elegance, man. I'm talking blue shag carpet, gold faucets in the bathroom and all the peanut butter and catfish you could ever want in a lifetime. I wasn't quite expecting that level of grooviness on this flight, but I also wasn't expecting a penitentiary with wings. Not to mention the guy next to me was a real nutcase. As soon as my knee heels, I'm going back to my old ways of hiding in the cargo section. At least down there I can make my own pillow out of shirts and jeans.

Creed Thoughts

2012-01-26T17:00:00Z

You may have noticed it's been many moons since I last posted. It's not because I haven't had any thoughts. Trust me - I've had tons. More than normal actually, thanks to that stint on peyote. And I'm 40-90% sure I posted them all. The only logical explanation: government censorship. It's a real drag, man. But I refuse to let The Establishment keep me down. The people have a right to Creed Thoughts! Here's a few that have been hanging around my cranium lately:

Buying a zoo in this economy is a pretty crappy idea, but it's a lot better than buying the farm. (Cause that means you're dead).

Chalk outlines are not just for tracing bodies. They also make excellent listeners.

If something's not funny, I assume that means it's for kids. But that would mean war is for kids, so maybe I'm wrong.

Lately I've been thinking about getting rid of my leather couches, and bringing in a couple of cows to sit on. It's way more organic and would provide a real conversation piece.

Today I took a long hard look in the mirror and wondered, is it too late to become a mirror salesman?

I think the greatest compliment you can give to someone you first meet is, "You look way better in person than you do in binoculars."

People say smoking is poison, but those people don't seem to be aware that poison can be delicious.

Reminder: Move bricks from Scranton to Farmville.

Creed Thoughts

2008-08-28T19:46:59Z

Boy do I have a story to tell. You know how I was keeping track of Michael's safe combo? Well it finally came in handy. I was trolling around the office last night after hours and heard some noise coming from the boss's room. Normally the office is real quiet at night, which is why I stick around in the first place. Quiet is like a drug to me and if I don't get my fix every night, I start to get the shakes.

So anyway, I heard these noises and got freaked out that the bossman was using his office for a little nighttime nooky with that new chick that sits in Tony's seat every day. Not wanting to get caught, I dropped down and started to army crawl over to investigate (I got a Private Investigator license so I'm allowed to investigate anything I want, suckers). As luck would have it, there wasn't anybody in there. Turns out that the noise was coming from inside Michael's big furniture cabinet thing. So I opened the cabinet door, half expecting a cat to jump out at me. Usually when I open cabinets or closets or anything, cats end up pouncing on me. For some reason, cats find me very attractive.

Nothing jumped out at me, but I could hear the rustling pretty close to the ground, so I bent over and figured out that it was coming from the safe. For a second, I just stared at it, wondering what could be inside. Then I realized that I had been saving up Michael's safe combo for this very occasion. Well, this occasion and whenever I needed some cash, but that's beside the point.

I went over to my computer and looked back at my previous entries of this thing. Apparently I wasn't too good with my record keeping because the numbers were kind of off. I ended up trying out every combo I wrote down and you know what? I didn't get it right until the very last one I tried. The good news is, I got it open and you'll never guess what was inside.

No, it wasn't a cat, smart ass. It was a squirrel! I don't know for the life of me why that guy had a squirrel in his safe, but I do know that I got me a new pet. And I'm going to train it. Right now I'm calling it Butthead, but I'm open to suggestions for new names if you got any. In just a few months, I'm going to have the best trained squirrel in Pennsylvania. I'm also going to blackmail Michael because I'm pretty sure it's against the law to lock a squirrel in a safe. False imprisonment or something.

Everything's coming up Creed!

Creed Thoughts

2008-08-21T16:39:11Z

I want to say I was about four years old when I fell in love with music. My memory’s not great, so it could have been anywhere between four and fourteen, but I think it was closer to four. I was hanging out in an old abandoned car factory in South Carolina and I came across a bunch of old bumpers lying on the ground. At that age, I used to walk around with a bunch of sticks in my back pocket in case I ever needed something to throw. When I saw those bumpers, I don’t know what came over me, but I knew that I had to take out a pair of sticks and start banging away.

From the instant my sticks hit that metal, I was hooked. I pounded out beat after beat, dancing and singing along. I loved it. The music jumped into my body like a venereal disease from a hooker. I stayed in that factory for hours and hours just banging away. The next day, I came back and started right up where I left off. I made up songs about everything: jump ropes, corn, beaver skin hats. Nothing was off limits.

About a week later, I saw an old man playing a beat-up guitar on the street. I watched him for a while, trying to learn what he was doing as I stood there. After about an hour, he said he had to go to the can and asked me to watch his instrument. I gladly agreed. When he left to go to the bathroom, I snatched the guitar and ran all the way to the factory. It was the first thing I had ever stolen and on that day, I said to myself “Music and thieving are going to be the biggest things in your life” and you know what? They still are.

Music has been a part of me ever since. Not a day goes by where I don’t tap out a rhythm or pick up my axe and play a lick or two. If you cut open my veins, I’m fairly certain that quarter notes would come tumbling out. I can’t imagine my life without music and I don’t want to.

Creed Thoughts

2008-08-14T16:23:34Z

I spend a lot of time in the library. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not there for the books. Books are for table balancing and throwing at birds. I go for the air conditioning and the smell. Libraries smell good. It almost makes me want to like books, but not quite. Anyway, there’re a lot of kids at the library -- maybe it’s summer school or something – and these kids talk like I’ve never heard before. It’s like a secret street language and I want in. They say stuff like “that dude got clowned” and “he got that swag when he walks.” I want to know what the hell these kids are talking about, but they won’t tell me. I’ve tried going up to the kids to talk about the phrases, but they get kind of freaked out by me. Just wait until they need an ID – then we’ll see who’s running away and telling the librarians.

Anyway, those jerks won’t tell me anything, so I’m making up my own words and phrases. This is my street dictionary and I’m not even charging for it. Just don’t tell the kids in the library, okay?

Keep it bowlin’ – Everyone likes bowling, so this is a phrase for when you want to tell someone to stay positive. For example, if someone tells you they lost their job, you can just tell them to keep it bowlin’ and that’ll cheer them up.

Ploppers – This means bad. “Did you see that movie last night? It was ploppers.”

Horribly obese – I’m taking this one from the library kids. They say things are fat all the time, so I took it a step further. In this case, it means the most beautiful ever. If a foxy dame comes walking in, you can call her horribly obese. I think it might take some time before it catches on, so use this one with caution because some broads may not have heard it yet and could take it the wrong way.

Willy fingers – Perhaps the hardest to explain, but you get willy fingers when you really want to fight someone. “When my boss was yelling at me, I really started getting willy fingers.” Your fingers start moving real fast and itching because they want to hit something – that’s the willy fingers.

Those kids are going to regret not letting me in on their lingo. My slang’s going to take over the nation and there’s nothing those idiots can do to stop it. Keep it bowlin’, people.

Creed Thoughts

2008-08-07T16:33:49Z

We’re having a party at work tomorrow to celebrate “08/08/08 Day,” which is great because I’ll be able to eat enough that I won’t have to buy food for a week. That’s my favorite part about work parties – they end up saving me a lot of moolah in the long run. I wish they were more fun, though. If I was in charge, we’d be rocking and rolling all night. My parties would go down in history as the best work parties of all time. Here’s a rundown of my perfect party:

We’d start out with a bang, and by that I mean I’d fire off a starter’s pistol so people knew the party actually started. The very first event of the party would be Bobbing for Creed Shots. I’d fill a large kiddie pool with Creed Juice -- a mixture of kool-aid, Pop Rocks, and grain alcohol -- and throw some shot glasses in there. Then everyone has to lean in, grab a shot glass with their mouths, and take the shot. It’s messy but it sure gets things started right. If you’re not drunk after Bobbing for Creed Shots, you’re not playing right.

So after everyone’s good and sauced up, I’d break out the piñatas. The key to piñatas at parties is naming them. If you name them after co-workers, you know people are going to really get into it. I’m not so great with names, so I’d let somebody else do the naming, but trust me, they would all be named. As for filling them, that all depends on the budget. If there’s no dinero for the piñatas, then I’d fill them with dry rice. If there’s a little cash around, then I’d go for hard candy. With hard candy, you get the fun of seeing the piñata burst AND the injuries that go with it.

After piñata time, we’d go straight into the eating contests. I’m partial to deviled eggs for quantity, but I know hot dogs are pretty popular these days, too. I’d compromise and make hot dog omelets for everyone to scarf down. I’m pretty sure I know who’d win, but you never can tell – sometimes the smallest accountants make the biggest eaters.

When the party winds down, I’d do another round of Bobbing for Creed Shots and then send people on their way with Goody Bags. The bags would just be filled with office supplies, but hey, everyone likes a parting gift, right?

They should really make me head of that party committee thing. I’d be amazing.

Creed Thoughts

2008-07-31T16:24:11Z

Why is it so impressive to sleep on a bed of nails? There’s obviously a trick to it that makes it not hurt. I think the real challenge is sleeping in a bed filled with needles. You just know that’s not gonna end well.

I’ve gone for rolls in the hay and it is nothing like sex.

Sometimes I’ll do shots of mouthwash. It gets me a little tipsy and gives me great breath.

I think baseball should introduce a longstop position, just in case the shortstop misses the ball.

Who decided that we needed both North and South Dakota. It seems like a lot of wasted paperwork to me.

Catching flies with your hands is fun, but catching frogs with your feet is a lot more satisfying.

I like to wear two undershirts most days because you never know when you’ll walk into a strip poker game.

I want to open up a bar called “Creed’s Meads” and bring mead back to how popular it was during the American Revolution. It’ll be right between my book store and woodwind instrument shop – Creed’s Reads and Creed’s Reeds.

Why hasn’t anyone built a live-action version of Chutes and Ladders? I’d be first in line to play.

I’ve always thought that shopping carts are just mobile jails for food and all the prisoners are sentenced to death by ingestion. Kind of makes you shop differently, huh?