Take a look at your friends.  If you don't think you could pull off a decent white-collar crime together, it's time to make some replacements.

Air fresheners are a real waste of dough.  If you're looking to make your house or tent smell tasty, the best thing you can do is scatter bits of fresh baked codfish everywhere.  Trust me, people will notice.

I keep hearing about a bunch of panthers playing football down in North Carolina?!  Now that's something Ol' Creedy has to see for himself!  I always sort of suspected panthers were hiding retractable thumbs, those sly bastards...

Weird but true: I've discovered the best way to cure hiccups is to confess to a stranger about all the motor vehicle theft you've been involved in.

I tell ya what, it's real hard to make friends as you get older.  Last week I decided to take matters into my own hands by writing "free to a good home" on a cardboard box, putting it by the road and sitting in it.  Unfortunately that didn't work.  So instead I put on my wetsuit, sat on the curb and waited for someone to take me snorkeling.  That didn't pan out either, but I did get to talk to some five-0's who seemed pretty boss after they agreed not to take me down to the station for questioning.

I found this groovy badge at a motel that says, "Do not disturb."  I've been wearing it around my neck, but it's not working.  Guess I need to find co-workers who speak English?

Summer's ending, which is a real bummer.  Here's one thing you can do: tip your head back in the shower and get a bunch of water up your nose.  It's unpleasant and you'll probably get an epic earache, but it'll feel like you just went swimming, swear to Hendrix.

On that same note, fall's almost here.  Time to sew all the sleeves back onto my shirts.

You may not have known this, but I'm one of the most feared names in toe wrestling.  I've been training a lot this year, and if I don't medal at the Toe Wrestling Championship it'll be a real drag, man.  I guess there's always the shin-kicking contest to look forward to...

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about "Plan B" lately, which freaks me out cause I don't even have a plan A.

Book idea: mystery.
*Reminder: booby trap apartment before leaving for vacation.