I didn't get much accomplished at work this week, but that's never something I worry about since time isn't real.

I think I could get into this Funny or Die thing.  It sounds similar to a game we used to play in the cult called, "Truth, Dare or Death."

It's always been hard for me to decide on my favorite season - Spring, Fall, Orange or Cloud.

I tip waiters extremely well: tips on growing tomatoes, tips for Minecraft, tips for Disneyland, tips for a quickie, tips for a zombie apocalypse, tips on juicing, tips for a curvy body... You name it, I got a tip for it.

Today I'm walking a little taller because of my Gǔ lā shēn (bone-stretching surgery).

I'm not sure what's been going on cosmically, but there have been A LOT of freaky coincidences recently.  For example, yesterday I was in the kitchen and so were Pam and Oscar.



People always seem to know it's laundry day when I wear my shower curtain to work.  

Sleepwalking is old news.  Lately I've been sleep belly dancing.  I know this because when I wake up, my obliques are as sore as they were when I was shimmying my way to more sculpted abs in that belly dance fitness class at the high school.  Also, my neighbor saw me.

I've been thinking about getting a new look: more hair.  But not in a place you would think.

All this time I've been telling people I have a Masters in Humanities cause I thought that was just a made-up word.  Turns out it's a legit thing, and now I've gotta give a lecture in Chicago.

This morning I woke up with two thought-provoking questions: "How come my feet are cold?  It's roasting outside," and "can you put socks in the toaster?"

Someone once said, "For hope is but the dream
of those that wake."  Creed once said, "At this very moment, there's a man serving time in jail for a crime I committed."

*Reminder: start an online controversy.  Never look back.