I've had the same container of dental floss for over four years. Guess I just haven't had too many shoelace emergencies lately...

I may not know how to speak Serbian, but I'm getting pretty good with keyboard shortcuts. For example, Ctrl+Alt+Tab+F6+Escape+insert a CD+F5+water on the spacebar = short out the computer's motherboard.

I really want a new tattoo, but I'm having trouble deciding between an alien abduction mural on my stomach, or the words "sweet pea" on my lower back.  

I've always believed that telling the truth shall set you free. Haha, I'm lying! Lying is way more fun and always will be.

My personal mantra is, "Do I look fat?" Gotcha - lying again! The only other person who knows my personal mantra is dead.

I feel like the biggest sucker in the world. All this time I've been paying MONEY for raisins. Come to find out, raisins are just shriveled up tomatoes.

My downstairs neighbor is a real drag. I'm talking the lamest of the lame. So what if I like to hammer stuff to the floor? Big deal if I play drums with pots! That doesn't make me a "menace." It makes me spunky.

I've got to figure out how I can get my hands on one of those "student loans." I have tons of yard work that needs to be done, and it's the perfect job for a student. So yeah - just need to find somebody to loan me one of them.

I think the craziest thing I've ever found while grave robbing was my brother.

Meredith laughed in my face when I told her I was going back to college to get my degree in exorcism, but who's laughing now that she's possessed by Gary Coleman again?

It's a real shame that you can only wear one sombrero at a time.

Note to self: Don't forget to send out invitations for your snake's fifth birthday party. Tell everyone it's BYOM (bring your own mice).