I don't know about you, but I refuse to die from "natural causes." Who'd want that on their tombstone? That's boring as hell. I want mine to say something like, "Here lies Creed Bratton. He died doing what he loved - distance jumping his motorcycle and crashing through burning fuel."

I think the best way to put a stop to deforestation is for scientists to develop trees with larynxes. Think about it. It'd be a lot harder to cut down a tree that's screaming in your face.

It's not the homeless that scare me. It's people with the enormous homes. Maybe it's because I spent '76 - '81 as a homeless man, so I'm biased. But I honestly feel like the wealthiest are always the weirdest. Once I saw this rich guy eating raw fish eggs out of a jar. The man was completely insane! I'd much rather spend my time on the street hanging out with down to earth dudes like Dirty Rusty or One-Leg Bob.

Today I started to regret that fourth string cheese I had, and most of my 50s. I have a feeling I'd regret most of my 40s too, if I could remember them.

I think the vending machine in the break room should take credit cards. I prefer not to carry cash, mainly because it's dirty. I should know. Once when I was super ticked off at the government, I spent hours germing up a bunch of dollar bills and putting them back into circulation.

Here's one thing I'll never understand: people who blast music in their cars, but then act all freaked out when I jump in and start dancing.

In a pinch, butter also makes a great moisturizer.

This is something that keeps happening to me lately - I see a "Subway" sign on just about every block. I walk into one so I can hop on the 6 express to 138th Street, but suddenly I'm in this sandwich shop being asked if I want my bun toasted. It's real strange, man. Like some kind of time train portal to hoagie town. On a side note - great B.M.T.

*Reminder: breathe in, breathe out.