They say the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Not for the old Creedster. For me, Black Friday’s when I work out all my problems. I don’t need to waste my cash on fancy “therapists” or “court-appointed analysts.” Instead, I just suit up and get ready for battle. That’s how I celebrate the fourth Friday of every November.

This year, I didn’t even go to sleep after Thanksgiving. I was so jazzed up from the massive portion of cranberry sauce that I couldn’t stop pacing. At around 2:30am, I decided it was time to start getting ready. I wrapped my body in newspapers and Black Friday ads until I had a good enough base to know I’d be okay if anybody had a shiv. Then I started gathering my weapons. Instead of brass knuckles (which I always lose), I found these really sharp plastic spider rings that were leftover from Halloween. For poking and tripping, I grabbed a cane from one of the geezers at the soup kitchen. [SIDE NOTE: People underestimate the value of old man weapons. I’m allowed to walk around with a cane anywhere I damn well please and that cane comes in handy, let me tell you. It’s just one of those social conventions that works in favor of the elderly – same goes for early bird senior specials at restaurants.]

Picked up a digital camera the other day, just in time for the holidays. I hope the guy who owns it doesn’t miss it too much.

I took my motorized scooter out for a little ride over the weekend. Riding that thing in the cold November air makes me feel like a champion. It’s tiny and red and helps me get ladies better than a puppy, which reminds me that I need to get a puppy. I rode all over town and ended up with fifteen phone numbers. One of the broads didn’t even have most of her teeth. I’m going to call her first.

I lose my glasses all the time. It drives me nuts. I’ve tried all the gadgets – neck-straps, RecSpecs, etc. – but nothing seems to work. So this week, I’m trying something new. I’m going to take a little crazy glue and glue the bridge of my glasses to the bridge of my nose. That way, I’ll never lose my glasses again. Also, they won’t slip down my nose, which is my second biggest pet peeve about glasses. When I want to take them off for my weekly shower, I’ll jump into the sauna at the JCC and the glue will just melt away. It’s foolproof. Once I’ve tested it out, I’m going to start selling Creed’s Spectacle Glue all over the country. I’ll make thousands!

Sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.

I don’t know about all this green stuff. I’m more of an indigo man myself. I will tell you this, though: I’m all about recycling. When I lived up in Maine for three years, recycling was my main job and the lessons that I’ve learned have stuck with me ever since. Number one lesson: cans are not just cans. They’re nickels, in can form. You wouldn’t throw away a nickel, would you? Not a chance. So why do people throw away cans? I have no idea. What I do know is that I supported myself for a long time on those cans and I might even say that I owe my life to them. If I wasn’t collecting cans, I can only imagine what I would have been collecting. Probably infectious diseases.

Bottles and cans aren’t just free money for the opportunistic among us. They also work as a great security system. When I go to sleep at night, no matter where I am, I spread a circle of crushed cans and empty bottles around me. That way, if anybody tries to mess with me or my stuff, I’ll hear those bastards coming. I also use thumbtacks if I can afford them.

If anyone knows how to get chocolate out of hair, let me know. I fell asleep on top of forty Fun Size Milky Ways last night and now I’ve got nougat everywhere. I already tried peanut butter, but that just made my hair into a different kind of candy. I’ll make you a deal: you get it out of my hair, you get to keep it.

Parents always freak out about crazy people giving their kids apples with razorblades hidden inside for Halloween. Those parents are idiots. If you’re getting a free razorblade inside your apple, you shouldn’t be complaining. And if you really want to impress me on Halloween, give me some licorice. That stuff hits the spot.