Most people have a thing against bugs, but not me. I love the little guys. The way I see it, there’s more of them than there are of us, so you have to respect them just in case. If they ever got their stuff together, they could really do some serious damage. I’m talking city destruction, livestock relocation, and political domination here.

If I had to pick my favorite bug it would have to be a spider. They’re creepy as all hell but real smart, too. I lived in a barn once and there was this one spider who I made friends with. Real classy dame of a spider. We’d talk about life and love and music. She was really into Jefferson Airplane. After our talks, I’d fall asleep and wake up to find little messages written in her web and that’s how I formally learned to read.

I’m a big fan of snacks. Meals are great, too, but who has time to sit down and eat a whole ham these days? That’s why I get most of my chow from the Vending Machines. Fills me up and it doesn’t empty my wallet. I don’t get why it’s just food in there, though. Why can’t they throw a pair of briefs in the machine for a buck? Sometimes mine break down and I don’t have next month’s pair with me, so vending machine skivvies would be the perfect replacement.

Here’s what I know: People buy a lot of stuff from vending machines. Also, I know a lot of people who are really into misdemeanor crimes. Makes them feel alive. So I want to make a special line of vending machine snacks based on people’s favorite crimes. They’d be delicious, exciting, and fun for kids.

I'm a romantic guy. Always have been. Fell in love for the first time in the fourth grade with the Truancy Officer. Ever since then, I’ve had a thing for women with badges. Cops, security officers, DEA -- doesn’t matter to me. They’re all foxy.

Love is tricky. It makes you do crazy things. Back in ’73, I got into a love triangle. Love pyramid, really. Put $6,000 into a cigarette resale venture and just waited for the dough to start pouring in. It never did. Lost my savings for a shot with the DePalma sisters, but it was worth it. I’ve still got some old smokes sitting in a storage shed up in Delaware. It’s my little reminder of the price of love.

I have this computer at home. A friend needed to get rid of it fast and he needed a vacuum, so I traded him. Anyway, I don’t even use it that much. Sometimes if I’m going to a coffee shop to look at women, I’ll bring it with me to look busy, but that’s about all.

The other day, I overheard some dudes at work – the fatso and the fruit – and they were talking about some internet video of water buffaloes fighting lions. I don’t know about you, but that’s the kind of thing I can build a whole night around. I stopped at the supermarket on the way home and picked up some things to get me in the mood: Buffalo jerky, buffalo wings, Frosted Flakes, some cupcakes, and a bottle of white wine. (Side note: I couldn’t find any lion-related items at the store, so I settled for the Flakes because of the Tiger. It was the best I could do.) When I got home, I was really jazzed for a good old-fashioned jungle fight. I turned on my computer and boom – nothing happened. Just a weird clucking noise and a black screen, so I did what anybody would do. I punched my computer and then I called tech support.

Fall is just around the corner and you know what that means: Crab Apple Season. I’m getting hungry just thinking about them. These little buggers pop up all over the place and nobody wants them because people are idiots. As a result, they’re absolutely free, which is my favorite price of all.

Crab apples have a whole stinkload of benefits. Back when I was little, my grandpa used to stick a crab apple in my mouth every time I stuttered. And guess what? I don’t stutter anymore. Crap apples are tiny miracles.