So I’ve been thinking about running for Governor. There’re a lot of things wrong with Pennsylvania and since nobody’s answering my letters over at the Governor’s Office in Philadelphia, I think it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I know what you’re thinking and yes, they are wrinkled, but they’re still strong.

Number One on my list of changes: Pennsylvania should change its name to Transylvania. Lots of idiots buy all kinds of vampire rings and vampire necklaces and garlic-flavored vampire gum. There’s a lot of dough to be made from these suckers and I’m tired of seeing it go to foreigners. If we change the name of the state, we can probably do away with property tax considering the amount of souvenirs we’re going to sell. Also, vampire fans are notoriously good tippers.

In my younger days, I spent a lot of time sleeping in a lot of places. Some of those places were bus stations. Everyone knows that hotels are for suckers, so why pay for lodging when you can get it for free? The problem is, there are a lot of crazies out there, so if you’re going to sleep in the bus station you’ve got to be savvy about it.

First of all, make friends with the night watchman. That’s the guy that can have the fuzz come and take you away. Find out what kind of candy he likes and bring him some. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stayed in a station worry-free because of a few Bit O’Honeys.

Visors are hats for people that like getting ripped off.

Here’s the thing about handcuffs: there’s only one key for all of them. It’s not like the Tampa cops have their own special key and the Saskatchewan Mounties have a different one. They’re all the same. So the one true goal in any criminal’s life is to get a copy of the handcuff key. I’ve got thirty. If you want to buy one, you know where to find me.

Toes are a luxury, not a right.

I fought in the Korean War. For both sides.

If you ask me, the quick money’s in billiards.

I love the smell of gasoline right after you light it on fire.

Restaurants were created to take advantage of the lazy. If you’ve got a forest and a lighter, you’ve got dinner.

I like my women LOUD.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 3-22-26