Who decided that pigs are for eating but rats get a free ride?

I’d play the lottery if they let me pick the balls.

Television hasn’t been good since “The Goldbergs.”

I’ve played Monopoly in real life and bankruptcy is a lot harder to get out of than the game makes it seem.

Music really makes me want to sing, man.

They should rename the Virgin Islands. That was an expensive mistake.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 36-22-62

I turn all kinds of things into pies.

Who hasn’t lived in a cave at one point or another? That’s what they’re for.

You say diabetes, I say diabetos.

Give me a mug and some beans and I’ll find a way to make your damn coffee.

Every time I step on a nail, I thank my shoes for doing their job the best they could.

I’d grow a beard but I don’t have the time.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 33-26-30

Winning is everything when it comes to Russian Roulette.

I tore my rotator cuff. I always hated that thing.

Screw parasailing, man. Make the handicapped sail like the rest of us.

I’m really bad at remembering birthdays. I think mine’s in June, but who knows?

I’ll take the moon over the sun any day of the week.

Man, what ever happened to Zaire? That place was crazy!

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 23-26-30

Boxers or thiefs? Who wants to know?

This might not be “Peacie,” but I think we should segregate the ghost population from the living. Thoughts?

I’d chew ice cubes all day if they weren’t so sharp.

If you want to be a good hitchhiker, you’ve got to think outside of the thumb. Don’t just stand there when you could be dancing.

Types of girls I like: Brazilian, Ukrainian, South African, Canadian [the further North, the better], short, Wisconsin.

You’d be surprised to know how many passports I’ve got.

Reminder: Michael’s safe combo: 23-20-26