Creed Thoughts

By Creed on May 16, 2012 at 16:07

One man's trash is another man's place to hide out for a while until the police helicopter is done hovering over the block.

Sometimes I wish my dad could look down from Heaven and watch over me proudly. But he can't, because he's still alive.

I think it's pretty offensive to call it a "lazy" eye. It wouldn't kill anybody to take a few minutes and actually figure out where it's looking... This is the '90s. It's time to be a little more courteous.

mayo.jpg (small)I've learned that pursuing your dreams isn't always easy. But I will continue to work as hard as I can to become the first Bratton to win the World Mayonnaise Eating Championship.

I had long hair once and somebody called me "ma'am." Can't say I minded it.

It would be really far out if you could change your name depending on your mood.  Today I feel like "Dubstep O'Brien."

My best friend Sancho from the Exxon Station is so hilarious. I walk in after work and tell him all about my day and my cat's heartworm, and he's like, "I don't know you, sir. Please leave." Gets me every time!

Call me old fashioned, but this whole "going to the dentist" racket seems a little overkill. My sharpened cattle bone gets the job done just fine.

Some days I hear a lot of voices in my head. But the one who's a shrink says it's pretty normal, so I haven't done anything about it yet.

I've been writing my Congresswoman for years, but I know she's not getting the letters, cause who in their right mind would ignore several romantic booze cruise date offers from yours truly?  

I hate being recognized in public when I'm not wearing my metallic purple suit and my scorpion necklace.

I never stray from my homemade trail mix recipe, but just once I'd like to try making it with throat lozenges and Skittles...

Note to self: learn to be good at something you love, get confident, THEN meet a woman.

  

Creed Thoughts

By Creed on April 19, 2012 at 12:37

Pretty much everybody gets mad when you try to pay in pennies these days, and I don't get it.  So what if it takes three hours for the cashier to count it out?  It's still currency!  Not to mention they've got tons of other far out uses.

For instance you can pour a bunch into a glass bottle, and boom: instant maracas.  I actually played the penny maracas with a band called Crap Kidney back in '79.  It all started one day when I was sitting on the steps of the library, shakin' some pennies around in an old A&W bottle.  Honestly I was just doing it to annoy this librarian broad who refused to go bowling with me.  The drummer of Crap Kidney just happened to be walking by and thought it sounded like heaven on earth.  He had me join the band right then and there.  My maracas brought a fun Latin flare to the group, so they renamed me Creedo Castillo.  I've never felt sexier.  I got to tour the entire state of Minnesota and some of Iowa with that band, and I owe it all to pennies.

And it doesn't stop there, folks.  You can melt your pennies down and make a real groovy pair of brass knuckles.  I whipped some up for my grandson and let me tell ya, he was king of his preschool 'til he got suspended.  You also can check the tread on your tires, use them to balance an uneven table or a wobbly coffin, put them in your brassiere to enhance cup size, or even throw 'em in your breaker box instead of replacing an old fuse.  Sure it might cause a fire, but if it doesn't, you just saved yourself fifty bucks!  So think about that before you go and say pennies are useless, cause that's the biggest load of garbage I've heard since some jerk told me Atlantis "never existed."  It most certainly did, and guess what their preferred moolah was?  Actually it was squirrel pelt and feta cheese.  But if they had known about pennies, it would have been pennies.

  

Creed Thoughts

By Creed on March 15, 2012 at 10:40

I don't know about you, but I refuse to die from "natural causes." Who'd want that on their tombstone? That's boring as hell. I want mine to say something like, "Here lies Creed Bratton. He died doing what he loved - distance jumping his motorcycle and crashing through burning fuel."

5-Deforestation.jpg (small)I think the best way to put a stop to deforestation is for scientists to develop trees with larynxes. Think about it. It'd be a lot harder to cut down a tree that's screaming in your face.

It's not the homeless that scare me. It's people with the enormous homes. Maybe it's because I spent '76 - '81 as a homeless man, so I'm biased. But I honestly feel like the wealthiest are always the weirdest. Once I saw this rich guy eating raw fish eggs out of a jar. The man was completely insane! I'd much rather spend my time on the street hanging out with down to earth dudes like Dirty Rusty or One-Leg Bob.

Today I started to regret that fourth string cheese I had, and most of my 50s. I have a feeling I'd regret most of my 40s too, if I could remember them.

I think the vending machine in the break room should take credit cards. I prefer not to carry cash, mainly because it's dirty. I should know. Once when I was super ticked off at the government, I spent hours germing up a bunch of dollar bills and putting them back into circulation.

Here's one thing I'll never understand: people who blast music in their cars, but then act all freaked out when I jump in and start dancing.

In a pinch, butter also makes a great moisturizer.

This is something that keeps happening to me lately - I see a "Subway" sign on just about every block. I walk into one so I can hop on the 6 express to 138th Street, but suddenly I'm in this sandwich shop being asked if I want my bun toasted. It's real strange, man. Like some kind of time train portal to hoagie town. On a side note - great B.M.T.

*Reminder: breathe in, breathe out.

  
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