It's been a long time since I took a flight anywhere. Legally, that is. Usually I throw on my "aircraft mechanic" coveralls (which is just my Michael Meyer's Halloween costume), tell everybody I'm fixing the air-conditioning on an Airbus 340, head for the tarmac and hop into somebody's luggage before it's loaded into the belly of the beast. But I've been dealing with a torn ACL after joining this break-dance circle at a bar mitzvah I crashed last month, and there was no way I'd be able to stay in somebody's suitcase for hours crouched up like a giant in a Japanese apartment. So I booked a flight the old-fashioned way: I hid in the airport bathroom and waited for some chump to put his carry-on down, stole his tickets and wallet and bada bing bada boom - Ol' Creedy's got himself a business flight to San Jose.  

The experience started out pretty great. At security - out of nowhere - this TSA broad says to me, "I'll be passing my hand over your backside and then come up the insides of your legs toward the private parts. Is that alright?" I said, "Hot damn, is it my birthday?!" Now I've been rendered irresistible many times before, but never publicly by an older security lady who I wasn't even sure was a woman at first. I guess maybe that was my reward for having to wait in line for 20 minutes. Though after that, things started to go downhill real fast. I was in first class, but I didn't even get a pillow. How am I supposed to lay back and have psychedelic dreams without a pillow?? I knew I'd be wide awake the whole time, so I figured I might as well stuff my pie hole, primo style. Until the flight attendant tells me the only food available is crackers and pretzels. And there wasn't even any ketchup to dip them in! I was so peeved I smoked a cigarette, which got everybody's panties in a bunch because apparently it's "illegal" these days.

Before this, the last airplane cabin I was in was Elvis's Convair 880. That thing had real Graceland elegance, man. I'm talking blue shag carpet, gold faucets in the bathroom and all the peanut butter and catfish you could ever want in a lifetime. I wasn't quite expecting that level of grooviness on this flight, but I also wasn't expecting a penitentiary with wings. Not to mention the guy next to me was a real nutcase. As soon as my knee heels, I'm going back to my old ways of hiding in the cargo section. At least down there I can make my own pillow out of shirts and jeans. 

You may have noticed it's been many moons since I last posted.  It's not because I haven't had any thoughts.  Trust me - I've had tons.  More than normal actually, thanks to that stint on peyote.  And I'm 40-90% sure I posted them all.  The only logical explanation: government censorship.  It's a real drag, man.  But I refuse to let The Establishment keep me down.  The people have a right to Creed Thoughts!  Here's a few that have been hanging around my cranium lately:

Buying a zoo in this economy is a pretty crappy idea, but it's a lot better than buying the farm.  (Cause that means you're dead).

Chalk outlines are not just for tracing bodies.  They also make excellent listeners.

If something's not funny, I assume that means it's for kids.  But that would mean war is for kids, so maybe I'm wrong.

Lately I've been thinking about getting rid of my leather couches, and bringing in a couple of cows to sit on.  It's way more organic and would provide a real conversation piece.

Today I took a long hard look in the mirror and wondered, is it too late to become a mirror salesman?

I think the greatest compliment you can give to someone you first meet is, "You look way better in person than you do in binoculars."

People say smoking is poison, but those people don't seem to be aware that poison can be delicious.

Reminder: Move bricks from Scranton to Farmville.

Boy do I have a story to tell. You know how I was keeping track of Michael's safe combo? Well it finally came in handy. I was trolling around the office last night after hours and heard some noise coming from the boss's room. Normally the office is real quiet at night, which is why I stick around in the first place. Quiet is like a drug to me and if I don't get my fix every night, I start to get the shakes.

So anyway, I heard these noises and got freaked out that the bossman was using his office for a little nighttime nooky with that new chick that sits in Tony's seat every day. Not wanting to get caught, I dropped down and started to army crawl over to investigate (I got a Private Investigator license so I'm allowed to investigate anything I want, suckers). As luck would have it, there wasn't anybody in there. Turns out that the noise was coming from inside Michael's big furniture cabinet thing. So I opened the cabinet door, half expecting a cat to jump out at me. Usually when I open cabinets or closets or anything, cats end up pouncing on me. For some reason, cats find me very attractive.

Nothing jumped out at me, but I could hear the rustling pretty close to the ground, so I bent over and figured out that it was coming from the safe. For a second, I just stared at it, wondering what could be inside. Then I realized that I had been saving up Michael's safe combo for this very occasion. Well, this occasion and whenever I needed some cash, but that's beside the point.

I went over to my computer and looked back at my previous entries of this thing. Apparently I wasn't too good with my record keeping because the numbers were kind of off. I ended up trying out every combo I wrote down and you know what? I didn't get it right until the very last one I tried. The good news is, I got it open and you'll never guess what was inside.

No, it wasn't a cat, smart ass. It was a squirrel! I don't know for the life of me why that guy had a squirrel in his safe, but I do know that I got me a new pet. And I'm going to train it. Right now I'm calling it Butthead, but I'm open to suggestions for new names if you got any. In just a few months, I'm going to have the best trained squirrel in Pennsylvania. I'm also going to blackmail Michael because I'm pretty sure it's against the law to lock a squirrel in a safe. False imprisonment or something.

Everything's coming up Creed!