Dear Future Aram,
I've started and deleted this entry five times now. Whatever I type, nothing seems right. This time I'm just going to start typing and not hit delete and try and get some of my thoughts down even if they're not perfect, and then I can maybe get some sleep before I go into work.
It's 4:38 a.m. as I'm writing this. I'm not used to being up this late not working on a project or a case or something. The thing is, I'm not really tired. I know objectively that I'm going to need to be rested, but my brain is running in circles. Also, I have a physical sensation, like a tightness or a knot at the base of my ribcage. I'm just noticing that now, as I type, and I guess that's the sort of thing they want me to be writing in this log.
Okay, so I'm thinking. When someone you really admire, someone you trust - it's like: before I started this job, I worked with some great people, sure; but this task force has really exposed me to a whole higher echelon of great, hardworking people. And Meera. She is dedicated, brilliant and utterly fearless. At least, she always seems fearless to me. I've never met anyone like her, really.
I'm stuck on repeat wondering: why did this happen? We've worked so many cases with so many dangerous people. But now, more than ever, it seems like all of us are being targeted. And, I'm not out there in the field, with the guns and bombs. But if they're coming after all of us - I'm wondering, why her, and why not me? I know it's, whatever, morbid. But it doesn't seem... I guess somehow it's not fair.
And Meera's been in countless life-threatening situations, on this task force and before. Why this time? What was different today, versus any of those times before? Was it a mistake, something we can correct? Or was it unavoidable? It all just seems like a random thing. I guess it pretty much is always like that, when you're fighting against this kind of person. Which, you know, doesn't make me feel very safe right now either.
So I don't know what's going to happen. Director Cooper's in the ICU. I'm sure he's going to pull through, but seeing such a strong person taken so far down is crippling. He's the one who made all this possible for me, I owe him so much for that. I know he has plants at home, I wonder if someone's going to water them? Because that's something I can do. Meera's kids, I don't even know what this has to be like for them. Whatever I'm going through, they're going through it way worse, right? I have no idea if there's even anything I could help out with, I don't even really know them.
And now I'm going to be selfish for a second. Is being on this task force a death wish? When I realized this Berlin entity is still out there, that was a disturbing moment. Because, it's not like he's going to stop coming after us. We've got to be at our best. Better than our best. And will that even be enough?
I feel like I should be angry. Like, furious and ready for this "war." Right now I don't feel, whatever, pissed - I just can't stop thinking. I need to go back through the old case files, re-index all of them, run more sophisticated pattern recognition and flag any anomalies. First thing tomorrow, start scanning, really dig in, and get ready for whatever's coming our way.
And I need to get through this emotionally, too. If I can. Maybe in a few hours I can swing by Director Cooper's place and check on his plants.