Episode 7

Oh forget it! I can't even commentate on this episode the way I was originally asked to by the folks at NBC. Sure Stephanie redeemed herself as PM and Magna earned the most money and won with a golf jungle-themed course and Net Worth lost. But Audrey, well Audrey, you gave new meaning to being a PM as well as the Webster's Unabridged Dictionary. Which is why this week just has to be different.

You see, it would simply be just too unfortunate not to acknowledge the true "brilliance" of this entertaining masterpiece when the commentary spoken by our "street thugs" was just too brilliant in and of itself to possibly overlook. This is why I felt that rather than a typical recap of this episode, (which in my opinion has to be one of the all-time greatest episodes in Apprentice history), we have to give out "The Brilliant Commentary Awards of the Week" instead!

Warning: Audrey, if you are reading this, you may want to click out of this screen right now. I am so sorry, but you've officially given our own president a run for his money and in so many ways. It's okay though, you're not alone. Also, please remember, this isn't "personal-ness"! You just happen to have inspired the awards in the first place and will be taking the most home!

Now, let's get started shall we? Cue the orchestra please - and like any great awards show, we're going to begin small and finish big. Drum roll please…

Ladies and gentleman, straight from the boardroom, may I have a loud round of applause for this week's finalists on their success for the "Brilliant Commentary Awards."

"Dumfounded, but Direct" quote of the week goes to…

Tana (on Chris): How many clowns do you know that chew tobacco?"

Yeah, Chris, here is a hint: when dealing with kids - probably not a good idea to be chewing huge gobs of tobacco. Just an idea.

"Who's Your Daddy?" quote of the week award goes to:

Erin (on DT): "Donald Trump is the mac daddy of the United Sates…I'm all about a man with a helicopter. I think that's pretty hot!"

I believe your comment is mirrored by Melania who has added that a couple billion in the bank never hurt anyone either.

The "Underhanded" quotes of the week all go to…John!

John (on Audrey) ~ "You will probably make more money than anybody else because you are gorgeous and you are a sweetheart".

Interesting John, I've often heard that these are two of the prerequisites to making more than anyone else - and Mr. Trump's personal secrets to success.

"Audrey made one big decision and that was that she would not make any decisions!"

Which is generally a good move on the show. (See my previous commentary on "under the radar players" ~ usually they go the farthest.)

"It's so funny because she is trying to go toe-to-toe with me, like clash of the Titans, when in reality it's like a lion swatting away a gnat."

Clash of the Titans? Really John, it's more like two gnats swatting at each other. Just one was prettier.

The "Downright Brutal" award goes to…John!

"Audrey, you're an idiot. We're going to win this task in spite of you. I'm not wearing this costume handing out flyers. I'm sorry. Thanks for coming out. Have a nice day. We have some lovely parting gifts for ya!"

Audrey's Revenge: Audrey got John in his clown costume and did he ever look the part!

John's Revenge: "I think she is what she is…She's a 22 year-old girl."

Now, wrapping things up and as promised we saved the best for last. Thank you, Audrey. Danny my fired friend, can you please cue an "unbelievable" here?

The "Cry Me a River" award goes to Audrey:

"Girls hated me because I was beautiful…I wanted to scar my face because I was so beautiful… I wanted to be ugly so that they wouldn't hate me."

Ah… the angst of being a young, self-proclaimed beauty on national television. But don't go doing anything crazy before it's too late, just move from Utah to LA and problem solved.

"Three Strikes and You're Out" award goes to Audrey:

"I want to throw my head in for project manager. Um, I feel I'm up to the 'ballgame' right now to do it and I've played miniature golf. I can say that I've had experience on the level where as, as far as the project goes, I've been there, I've done it".

Ballgame? What are you talking about? You are up to what ballgame? And just so you know, chicken of the sea is really tuna. And what experience? Playing put-put golf? Been there, done it? If I hadn't been laughing so hard about that statement I could have written more.

"The President's Award" goes to Audrey on a SIX-way tie:

"John says he doesn't want me to be Project Manager because he thinks there's been to much personal-ness."

"I don't appreciate the personal-ness being involved in here."

"My business is business!"

"I want to be Project Manager because I feel that I am capable of utilizing all of your skills."

"I ask for them to allow me the opportunity to bring their leadership out of them."

Yes, bring it out and lead them to victory. I guess that didn't work.

"I'm going to put John in charge of…um…I want John to actually put together… uh…what is it that we're marketing here? What is it that we're actually targeting? Miniature golf is obviously for kids, but uh…(Finally Tana interjects - "Promotions?") Promotions! Okay!"

Promotion: pro·mo·tion: encouragement for the growth or development of something. (Well done, Audrey!)

I'm speechless. I mean really. That one was a whopper! How did you ever get onto this show, let alone make it this far? Michael, Danny, Kristen, Brian, Todd and Tara have got to be absolutely dying right now.

The "Yogi Berra" Award goes to Audrey:

"I don't have time to waste my time."

The "Stab Me in the Back and Call Me Sally" award goes to, of course Audrey:

"I am very close to Angie, I've got a lot of respect for Angie. I look at her and I can just see myself being like her when I get older."

Wow, just enough respect to stab her in the back - nicely done. Are you sure kids hated you because you were beautiful?

The "Say What?" award goes to… wow, it's an Audrey tie again:

"I am tired of having the Project Manager being the only person with the responsibility of maintaining the group."

Yes, we are all tired of the fact that a leader actually has to take...here it comes...responsibility for maintaining the group.

"That's what I was trying to EM-plement as the Project Manager".

Implement: im-ple-mint: to provide or equip somebody with the tools or other means to do something.

Mmmmm, I'm just not sure if it's legal to use some of the only tools you could provide at this point.

Finally, the "Taxi Confession, Time to Redeem…or Not…" award goes to none other than Audrey:

"Mr. Trump did say I was beautiful, so that was nice of him."

I'm a bit confused here. I thought you hated being "so beautiful". Yet it comes in handy when you want it to, huh? Totally baffled with the contradiction!

"In the end, those of us that walk away winning, win more than just a loss…"

Huh? I really do wish that I could comment, but I am trying to keep my head from spinning.

Well, congratulations and goodbye, Audrey! You'll surely be missed by all. I'm not even kidding, the show just won't be the same without you. Also, please remember this is not "personal-ness!" And in the end, you'll always be a winner in our eyes.

For the rest of you left in the game, best of luck. Just when I think you can't outdo yourselves, you really seem to put "new meaning" into this game, quite literally in fact! I look forward to seeing what you pull out of your hats' next week!

Dazed and confused (thank you, Audrey),

Your Apprentice Alumna,
Jennifer D. Crisafulli


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