"Peter Scolari and I went out once in our Bosom Buddies outfits to see if we could really pass as women. The answer? I made $760 that night."
"Tom Hanks isn't my real name. My real name is Hank Toms."
"When I agreed to make Apollo 13 I was under the impression that I would be playing Apollo Creed from Rocky. Those sons of bitches tricked me!"
I played Kip on Bosom Buddies. The funny thing is I originally tried out for the part of Henry. How crazy would that have been?"
"The best thing about being seen as the nicest guy in Hollywood is that no one searches my backyard for bodies."
"The 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said 'looks like we're a couple of peeing Toms.' His angry silence is something I'll never forget."
"Thanks to the Hanks publicity machine, I've got people saying I'm the nicest guy in Hollywood. In actuality I'm the third nicest guy in Hollywood. Just behind Art Carney and Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. Like I'm nicer than Billy Gibbons."
"I'm impotent. Wait, wait, I don't want anybody to know that."
