"The other day, an unmanned supply ship dropped off two tons of food for the astronauts onboard the International Space Station--which means space is finally ready for Star Jones."

"NBC announced today they have signed a sitcom deal with Scott Baio. In a related story, there's an opening for a day manager at the Encino Olive Garden."

"According to USA Today, one of the most popular calendars for 2005 is the Clay Aiken calendar. The weird thing about the Clay Aiken calendar is, there's no April but there is a Phillip."

"The FDA has approved a new medicine that fights premature ejaculation. The FDA was going to hold a press conference but news leaked out before they had chance."

"The New York Daily News reports that Americans chose Hillary Clinton as the woman they admire the most. Once again, Oprah came in second, and Clay Aiken was third."

"This year, people celebrating New Year's Eve in Atlantic City will be able to see K.C. and the Sunshine Band and Tony Orlando. Apparently K.C. checks your coat and Tony Orlando parks your car."

"The New York Post reports that Blockbuster Video wants to buy Hollywood Video for $6 billion. The actual price is closer to $7 billion if you include the late fees."

"A 21-year-old in Pennsylvania has been accused of burning down his parents' house on Christmas because they didn't get him any gifts. When asked about it, the parents said, 'It's not looking good for next year, either.'"

"Ozzy Osbourne and his family have decided to move out of their Beverly Hills home. When asked about it, Ozzy said, 'People tell me, I'm leaving behind a lot of memories.'"

"Donald Trump announced this week that he is launching his own line of hair-care products. Not surprisingly, it will be called 'Don't Let this Happen to You.'"

"McDonald's announced that they are trying to find more humane ways to slaughter the chickens they use for McChicken sandwiches. The new idea is to feed the chickens Big Macs until they have a heart attack."

"A 67-year-old woman is about to give birth to twin girls, which would make her the oldest mother in the world. The 67-year-old's due date is two months away, which explains why she's already started driving to the hospital."

"In Cleveland, a group called Santa's Helpers was arrested because they were caught smuggling cocaine inside a shipment of toys. Police knew the toys were filled with cocaine because Mr. Potato Head kept getting a bloody nose."

"Fitness experts are encouraging Americans to make small New Years resolutions they can keep, like adding 5 minutes to their exercise routine. As a result, most Americans will now have a 5-minute exercise routine."

"Here in New York, thousands of people partied in funny hats and popped balloons in Times Square. Those who were there say it was just like the Republican Convention but with black people."

"President Bush said that he doesn't really celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton said she does celebrate New Year's Eve and plans on being in bed by 9:30."

"The Yankees just completed a multi-million dollar trade for 6' 10" pitching ace, Randy Johnson. Not since Richard Simmons, has anyone paid so much for an extra large Johnson."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...