"This week, President Bush was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Time Magazine. Not only that, Martha Stewart was chosen as 'Person of the Year' by Doing Time magazine."

"Today's USA Today features an editorial by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, defending the war in Iraq. You can tell it was written by Rumsfeld because the opening line is 'Shut yer piehole and listen.'"

"According to a brand new study, more people in Britain get drunk over Christmas than people from any other country. Apparently, the British get so drunk even the Irish won't hang out with them."

"The New York Post reports that the new spokesperson for the Jennie Craig weight-loss program is Kirstie Alley. Jennie Craig says they hired Alley because she gives them two people for the price of one."

"Yesterday, a cold wave descended on Florida and temperatures at Disney World dropped to the low 40's. You could tell it was cold because the giant ball at Epcot Center shriveled to half its size."

"Snoop Dogg announced he's suing a woman for trying to extort money from him. If convicted, the woman could go to jail for 'imbizzle-ment.'"

"University of Arkansas has bought the house where former president Clinton and Hillary lived in the 1970's and plans to turn it into a museum. The University says it also plans to buy the doghouse where Bill Clinton spent most of the 90's."

"The other day, several men with guns showed up at a pharmacy and demanded all of the pharmacy's anti-impotency pills. Apparently they said, 'Stick 'em up...so we can stick 'em up.'"

"It's been reported that Paige Davis, the host of 'Trading Spaces' may have starred in an amateur porn video. Apparently, Paige is into more than just 'paint jobs.'"

"The Wall Street Journal says that instead of giving presents this year, a lot of people are giving gift certificates for plastic surgery. When you think about it, it's the perfect way to tell the person you love, 'You're ugly.'"

"Tomorrow night, our show will not be on because NBC is airing coverage of Pope John Paul II's Midnight Mass. I can't wait till the end of the mass when the Pope says, 'Stay tuned for Carson Daly.'"

"This Christmas a lot of health experts are warning that people tend to put on weight between Christmas and New Year's. After hearing this, Ruben Studdard admitted he tends to put on weight between New Year's and Christmas."

"In Florida, a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked who she was running against, the woman said, 'Time.'"

"The other day, Michael Jackson had a Christmas party at the Neverland Ranch and invited over 200 children. After the party, Michael said he was visited by the Ghost of 'Don't You Ever Learn?'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...