"Due to the transit strike, New Yorkers are not allowed to drive into the city unless there are at least four people in every car. The situation has become so desperate; some New Yorkers have been forced to talk to their neighbors."

"Police are stopping cars to make sure they have four people. As a result, Donald Trump had to come to work today with three chauffeurs."

"Earlier this week, Jessica Simpson announced that she's officially filed the papers to begin her divorce from Nick Lachey. Unfortunately, Simpson was confused and filed the papers in her toaster."

"Yesterday in New Zealand, 40 men dressed as Santa Claus went on a rampage, breaking store windows and assaulting people. As a result, kids in New Zealand still believe in Santa but they think he's a total a-hole."

"The other night in California, Paris Hilton threw a party and the police showed up because neighbors complained about the noise. The neighbors said, 'We knew something was wrong when we heard yelling instead of moaning.'"

"Because of the strike, yesterday there was 15,200 bus stop shelters that were going completely unused. Today the city started calling the shelters 'studio apartments' and is renting them for $6,000."

"Some New Yorkers say that trying to find people to share cabs with is creating an excellent way to meet other New Yorkers. For instance, this morning I met a guy who screamed, 'Hey A-hole, that's my cab.'"

"Due to the transit strike, New Yorkers are not allowed to drive into the city unless there are at least four passengers in every car. So today, Max Weinberg drove to work with three blow-up dolls."

"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein claimed that he and his co-defendants were beaten and tortured while in U.S. custody. His exact quote was 'They Saddamed us.'"

"Yesterday, Vice President Dick Cheney warned members of Congress that parts of the Patriot Act are set to expire in ten days. Not only that, parts of Dick Cheney are set to expire in ten days."

"Yesterday on 'The View' Joy Behar and Star Jones got in a huge on-air fight about religion. Apparently, it all started when Joy showed Star her menorah - and Star used it as a fork."

"Subway employees have agreed to return to work, but before they can reopen the subway, officials have to make sure the trains are working and that they're clean. In other words, the subway will never open again."

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg estimated that the city lost $700 million in revenues during the strike. Fortunately Bloomberg was able to make up for it when he found $700 million in an old pair of his pants."

"Twenty percent of Americans say that they put together their Christmas wish list by researching on the Internet. Which explains why the number one item on most wish lists this year is a hot Asian teen."

"The other day in New York, a department store unveiled the most expensive perfume in the world - which is selling for over $215,000 a bottle. Perfume experts say it smells like a combination of money and jackass."

"President Bush is being criticized by right-wing groups because the Christmas cards he sent to his supporters don't include the word 'Christmas.' Instead, the cards say, 'Sorry to hear about your indictment.'"

"The other day, Pope Benedict said that Christmas isn't about expensive presents; it's about joy. After the statement, the Pope went back to his gold and marble apartment."

"According to a holiday survey, this year over half of all Americans will 're-gift' an item they received from someone else. For instance, this year Paris Hilton gave out herpes."


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...