"During an interview yesterday, President Bush told Brian Williams, 'You can call me anything you want, but do not call me a racist.' Brian Williams responded, 'Whatever you say, dumbass.'"

"In a recent interview, President Bush said, 'I know a lot of people who are glad we're in Iraq.' When asked who, the President said, 'The leaders of North Korea and Iran.'"

"Colin Farrell has checked himself into a hospital to be treated for exhaustion. As a result, Farrell's nurse is now being treated for exhaustion."

"According to a new scientific study, dogs can actually laugh. Apparently, dogs laugh hardest when they see a cat get kicked in the nuts."

"Yesterday, on a flight to Jamaica, a couple was arrested because they were caught having sex in the bathroom and refused to return to their seats. The other passengers said they wouldn't have minded, but the couple was the pilot and copilot."

"According to 'TV Guide,' the other night Jennifer Aniston had a bonfire on the beach and burned her wedding gown. Star Jones did the same thing last year and it's still burning."

"This week in Germany, a department store Santa was beaten up on the job. The attack was filmed and will be released under the title 'Elves Gone Wild.'"

"Martha Stewart had to get stitches because she was carving a turkey and she cut her hand. Afterwards, the doctor said it was the first time he'd ever seen a turkey laugh."

"It's been reported that Kevin Federline is going to demand a $125 million settlement if Britney Spears tries to divorce him. Although, Federline told his lawyer he'd settle for a new Xbox and a bag of weed."

"This week, the company that makes Teflon coating was found guilty of creating environmental hazards and fined $10 million. The people at Teflon are shocked, but they thought the charges would never stick."

"Virgin Airlines has announced that in three or four years, they'll begin offering commercial flights into space. Experts say this is the perfect chance to experience the wonder of space stuck between a crying baby and a fat guy."

"This week suspended Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens threw a birthday party for himself and one of the people on the guest list was Paris Hilton. When asked why Paris was invited, Terrell said, 'Because like me, she knows what it's like to be screwed by the NFL.'"

"Political experts say that today's election in Iraq was one of the largest and freest elections in the Middle East. In fact the only time more people voted in the Middle East was during the finals of 'Fallujah's Funniest Home Videos.''"

"According to officials in Iraq, it will take up to two weeks to figure out who won today's Iraqi election. So far it looks like the winner will be the dark-haired guy with the mustache."

"There may be a subway strike in New York tomorrow and if so, commuters will be required to have at least four people in every car. After hearing this, some New Jersey commuters asked, 'How about three people and a dead body in the trunk?'"

"Today a maintenance supervisor is being called a hero after he caught a baby that was thrown out of a burning building in the Bronx. They're not sure who the man is, but they are sure he doesn't play for the Jets."

"The winner of NBC's weight loss show 'The Biggest Loser' has been spotted dating one of his fellow contestants. Unfortunately, he's also been spotted dating a glazed ham."

"It was reported today that this year Britney Spears was the most searched celebrity on the Internet. And once again this year, Snoop Dogg was the most searched celebrity at the airport."

"During a press conference today, President Bush was very excited to show reporters his Ipod. The reporters said they didn't have the heart to tell the President that his 'Ipod' is really just a garage door opener."

"According to CNN, top Democrats have mixed feelings about Senator Hillary Clinton running for President. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea while the others hate it."

"Several right-wing groups say they may boycott the Ford motor company because it continues to advertise in gay magazines. In a related story, most Americans plan to boycott Ford because it makes Fords."

"This week, the Washington, D.C. production of 'The Nutcracker' was cancelled because the dancers went on strike. So once again, our nation's capital waits, paralyzed, a hostage of the all-powerful Ballerina's Union."

"In a recent interview, Mary-Kate Olsen admitted she hates Paris Hilton because Paris slept with her ex-boyfriend. After hearing this, Paris said, 'She's going to have to be a lot more specific.'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...