"It's been reported that Britney Spears had a huge fight with husband Kevin Federline and threw him out of the house. It could have been dangerous, because at the time the house was going 60 miles an hour."

"In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for portraying the Iraq War in a negative light. Rumsfeld said, 'The media should focus on the more light-hearted, fun aspects of the war.'"

"This week in California, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with rapper Snoop Dogg to discuss pardoning a convicted murderer. Then Vin Diesel met with 50 Cent to discuss agriculture subsidies."

"NBC announced today that some of its shows will now be available for viewing on iTunes for $1.99. That's right - sit through an entire NBC show and you'll be paid $1.99."

"The Ford Motor Company has announced that they will no longer be advertising in gay-oriented magazines. Ford made the decision right after halting production of the Ford Male Escort."

"President Bush is being critcized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don't have the word 'Christmas' in them. In response, the President said, 'You try spelling it.'"

"Last night, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger checked into a hospital because of a heart murmur. The weird thing is, Arnold's heart murmur is easier to understand than Arnold."

"'People' Magazine reported this week that Britney Spears fired Kevin Federline's bodyguard because she caught him and Kevin buying pot. Isn't that shocking? Kevin Federline has a bodyguard."

"It's been reported that Justin Timberlake has been turned down for a role in a movie because his voice is too high. Which is weird, since Timberlake was auditioning for the role of 'Frightened Little Girl No. 3.'"

"This week in Virginia, a shopping mall put up a black curtain so that kids waiting in line for Santa couldn't see the mannequins in the Victoria's Secret window. When Santa asked the boys what they wanted for Christmas, they said, 'Lose the friggin' curtain.'"

"Earlier this week, President Bush lit the candles on the White House Menorah. There was an awkward moment because when Bush saw the Menorah he said, 'Cool, a flaming rake.'"

"Yesterday at an even in Washington, First Lady Laura Bush read 'The Grinch who Stole Christmas' to a group of children. There was one awkward moment when Vice President Cheny yelled out 'Go Grinch!'"

"This week in Germany, a shoplifter was arrested after he shoved 39 tubes of toothpaste down the front of his pants. Police became suspicious when they noticed tha the man's crotch had become 'up to three shades whiter.'"

"It's been reported that several magazines have offered Ben Affleck thousands of dollars to publish pictures of his baby. Which means the baby is the only Affleck whose pictures actually make money."

"According to 'People' Magazine, Britney Spears has agreed to take Kevin Federline back. When asked about it, Britney said, 'I couldn't bear the thought of him being mobile-homeless.'"

"In Washington, a rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today Rumsfeld denied saying, 'If you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead.'"

"The New York Mets announced that they are pursuing first baseman Julio Franco who is 47 years old. Franco will be back-up for the Mets' current first baseman Morley Safer."

"Right now the city of Detroit is in the midst of a recount to determine the winner of the mayor's race. Not surprisingly, both candidates in Detroit are claiming that the other guy won."

"Today, the controversial new movie 'Brokeback Mountain' opens about two gay cowboys. Apparently, you can tell the characters are gay because they're dressed like cowboys."

"This week California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger met with rapper Snoop Dogg to discuss pardoning a gang leader. Snoop asked Arnold to change his sentence from the death penalty to life in prizzle."
Have a look back on Conan classic lines...