"The other day in prison, Martha Stewart was reportedly caught smuggling cinnamon and brown sugar in her bra. Prison officials say there is also some nutmeg missing but they don't want to look for it."

"Yesterday, President Bush announced that his nominee for Commerce Secretary is a former CEO at Kellogg's. Then afterwards, the President admitted, 'Maybe I shouldn't nominate people on an empty stomach.'"

"In an interview, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he has a nude portrait of himself inside the entrance of his home. Apparently it's a 3-D portrait because they use it as a coat rack."

"Singer George Michael has asked for police protection from obsessed female fans who are breaking into his home. Later Michael admitted he made up the women so he could meet policemen."

"Earlier tonight they lit the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Here's how the tree looked this year (graphic of tree), but this year they made a bad decision. They almost broke the tree in half, they put the wrong star on top (graphic of tree with Star Jones hanging from it).

"All-time Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings lost last night on a question about H&R Block. Apparently the question was 'These people are the only people nerdier than Ken Jennings.'"

"Paris Hilton has announced that she has created a new perfume. Like Hilton, the perfume will be found in bedroom's everywhere."

"Syndicated radio host Don Imus was slapped with a lawsuit for calling his nanny a terrorist on his show. The nanny wants monetary damages and the destruction of the state of Israel."

"In a recent interview, Luciano Pavarotti says that he tours so much that 'Sometimes I don't know which bed I'm waking up in.' Then Pavarotti admitted, 'However, the people on the floor below always know.'"

"Supermodel Heidi Klum has been hired to do a series of commercials for McDonald's. In the ads, Klum says, 'If I ever decide to eat it will be at McDonald's.'"

"A new study has found that most German men wear the wrong size condom. The study discovered that most men wear a Siegfried when they should be wearing a Roy."

"NBC announced yesterday that its upcoming New Years Eve special will feature Duran Duran. Apparently NBC is planning to ring in a happy and prosperous 1983."

"Yesterday the pentagon announced it would increase the number of U.S. troops to 150,000. Not in Iraq, for the next Pistons-Pacers game."

"A Las Vegas casino has signed Barry Manilow to a 60 million-dollar contract. So now when you go to Vegas you can either shoot crap or listen to it."

"In a recent interview, Luciano Pavarotti says that he tours so much that 'Sometimes I don't know which bed I'm waking up in.' Hotel managers say, 'it's usually the one that's bent in half.'"

"Christina Aguilera is looking for some inspiration so she is currently on a trip to India. Reportedly, Aguilera has run into a few problems in India because at the Taj Mahal you're only supposed to take your shoes off."

"At an online auction, a stapler signed by Paris Hilton is going for much more than $1,000. Not selling so well? The Richard Simmons hole-punch."

"President Bush announced that the new head of Homeland Security is Bernard Kerik, the former New York City Police Commissioner. So now, the color-coded warning system will go from green, to yellow, to orange, to 'fuh-get-about-it.'"

"This year, the White House Christmas decorations include a gingerbread replica of the White House that's authentic down to the smallest details. It's so authentic that today eight of the gingerbread men resigned."

"This week, the oldest person in America passed away at the age of 114, and family members say she voted in every election since 1920. Unfortunately, in the last three elections, she voted for Herbert Hoover."

"According to a new safety report, pedestrians are far more likely to be killed in street accidents than drivers. The statistics were released by the US Department of 'Duh!'"

"Barry Bonds testified that he used steroids but didn't realize what they were. Bonds said, 'I thought they were candies that gave you big muscles and made you impotent.'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...