"During his trial yesterday, Saddam Hussein spent part of his time in court writing a poem. Apparently, he kept interrupting the judge to ask, 'What rhymes with 'spider hole?''"

"Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe says that Jackson is not the father of their two children. When the children heard this, they said it was best Christmas present they'd ever gotten."

"This weekend during the Philadelphia Eagles game a fan was arrested because he jumped out of his seat and spread his mother's ashes all over the football field. Not only that, he was penalized 10 yards for spiking his mother's urn."

"Good news: It's been reported that Mary-Kate Olsen has gained 20 lbs. The bad news: Ashley Olsen is missing."

"Elton John is planning to marry his long-time partner later this month, and sources say he's currently planning the bachelor party. Sources say, instead of a giant cake, a man will jump out of another man."

"It was reported that Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend is now dating Tara Reid. The ex-boyfriend says it's all part of his 'Sluts-Across-America Tour.'"

"Today was the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, which is a 74-foot Norway Spruce from New Jersey. You can tell the tree is from New Jersey, because instead of cutting it down, they shot it and stuffed it in a car trunk."

"This past weekend a 13-year-old girl had her Bat Mitzvah on the top floor of Rockefeller Center and rapper 50 Cent performed. The girl says it was the most fun she'd had since Snoop Dogg performed at her brother's circumcision."

"Donald Trump has agreed to endorse a line of premium vodkas. Trump's vodka doesn't give you a hangover, but it does give you a combover."

"This week in China, Tom Cruise finished up shooting the latest 'Mission Impossible' movie. This one is a thriller where Cruise tracks down whoever really knocked up Katie Holmes."

"Earlier today President Bush sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards to his friends and supporters. In a related story, Dick Cheney sent out three."

"The U.S. military is being accused of paying Iraqi newspapers to publish fake articles that support President Bush. When he heard about it, President Bush was furious and said, 'Why aren't they doing that in American newspapers?'"

"This week, NBC announced they're going to take the show 'Joey' off the air until after the Olympics. The good news is they're talking about the 2012 Olympics."

"The FAA announced this week that once again it will be OK to carry scissors and tweezers on board airplanes. When asked why, officials said some flight attendants were starting to look really gnarly."

"Yesterday, opera superstar Luciano Pavarotti announced that he will reunite with the rest of the Three Tenors to do more concerts. Pavarotti says he can't wait to see the other Two Tenors, hear what they've been up to, and then eat them."

"This year, President Bush and the First Lady sent Christmas cards to the leaders of 200 countries. Apparently it would have been 201, but someone told the President that Legoland isn't a real country."

"Bulgaria and Ukraine announced that they're considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Apparently the troops will be withdrawn as soon as they can find a car that seats six people.

"Fidel Castro announced today that the Cuban national team will play in next year's World Baseball Classic in Puerto Rico. In fact, the team left on a raft this morning."

"This week, ABC is showing a movie about the love affair between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles, and the movie's getting bad reviews. The critics say that the guy who plays Camilla is terrible."

"On Sunday, CBS is airing a TV movie about the life of Pope John Paul II and the Pope is being played by Angelina Jolie's father. The movie is called 'Damn, The Pope's Daughter is Hot.'"
Have a look back on Conan classic lines...