"This morning, NBA player Ron Artest went on 'The Today Show' to discuss his season-ending suspension. Things got a little tense when Artest told Matt Lauer, 'Let me know if those people in the window are bothering you.'"

"Earlier today in Washington, Vice-President Cheney's wife, Lynn lit the star on top of the National Christmas Tree. There was an awkward moment, when Dick Cheney said, 'If you have any trouble with the electrical work my daughter is a lesbian.'"

"Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey shocked 300 people in the audience by giving each of them free washer and dryers. Even more shocking, yesterday at The Maury Povich Show there were 300 people in the audience."

"Yesterday soul singer James Brown gave away 1,000 turkeys to the needy in his hometown of Augusta, Georgia. Apparently, Brown shot the turkeys himself during a dispute with his fourth wife."

"This week Krispy Kreme doughnuts announced that for the first time ever they're losing money. Krispy Kreme said the slow sales were due to store closings and the fact that Star Jones is honeymooning in Europe."

"There was a jewel robbery at Ozzy Osbourne's house and police say it might have been an inside job. Apparently Ozzy was very upset when he heard this and asked, 'Did I do it?'"

"The Indiana Pacer's Ron Artest is suspended from playing basketball so he's been spending his free time promoting a new rap CD he recorded. Artest's CD is being described as 'the perfect gift to hit somebody in the head with.'"

"It was reported today that a 72-year-old great grandmother who works for the Defense Department has been deployed to Iraq. When asked about it, the 72-year-old said, 'It's been quite a while since I've been to Mesopotamia.'"

"Hustler magazine announced that it will feature photos of Paris Hilton making out with another woman, while the woman fondles Paris' breasts. So the search continues for a photo of Paris Hilton not having sex."

"Yesterday, 'American Idol' winner Ruben Studdard was taken to the hospital because he's suffering from exhaustion. Also suffering from exhaustion: the paramedics who wheeled Studdard into the hospital."

"Here in New York, more than 1 million people lined the streets to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Officials say there haven't been that many people staring at giant plastic balloons since Tara Reid's dress fell off."

"The most popular balloon at today's parade was SpongeBob SquarePants. The SpongeBob balloon is also popular with the city because at night they use it to soak up all the urine on the sidewalks."

"Surgeon General Richard Carmona says that Americans should take the opportunity of being together on Thanksgiving to discuss what diseases run in their families--which may explain why the Surgeon General's nickname is 'Dr. Buzzkill.'"

"On Thanksgiving, many New York celebrities volunteer to serve meals at the homeless shelters. Paris Hilton didn't serve any food, but after the meal, she went around and loosened everyone's belt."

"Yesterday was the annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and this year one of the floats honored the NFL. Unfortunately, the NFL float was viciously attacked by the NBA float."

"Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suites. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump's hair nearly killed two people."

"Playboy announced this week that its website will display a nude photo spread of McDonalds employees--which finally explains McDonalds slogan, 'I'm lovin' it.'"

"According to a new survey, the top pot smoking country in Europe is Switzerland. As a result, the new Swiss Army knife comes with a water bong."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...