"Today President Bush continued a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition by pardoning the White House turkey. Apparently Dick Cheney was really upset because he wanted to torture the turkey."

"Yesterday, former President Clinton told reporters that it would be a mistake for the U.S. to pull out of Iraq. Clinton said, 'Pulling out would be a mistake - and you can write the rest of this joke yourself.'"

"This year, Camden, New Jersey, was named the most dangerous city in American for the second year in a row. As a result, Camden is being described as 'The New Jersey of New Jersey.'"

"Speaking of New Jersey, the actor who played Big Pussy on 'The Sopranos' has been sentenced to 70 hours of community service. Big Pussy says he plans to volunteer at the Center for Victims of Horrible Nicknames."

"In a recent interview, Ricky Martin said that from time to time he likes being spanked. Which is shocking - someone actually interviewed Ricky Martin."

"Christina Aguilera got married last weekend and she asked that the guests not talk to the press about the wedding because she's shy. Then she asked the guests not to stare at her diamond-studded, crotchless wedding dress."

"Today during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, part of the giant Barney balloon deflated and went limp. Afterwards, Barney said, 'I swear this has never happened before.'"

"One of the floats during the parade featured a performance by The Beach Boys. Because nothing says late November in New York like The Beach Boys."

"President Bush spent Thanksgiving at his ranch in Crawford, Texas with his family. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney spent the day watching the film 'It's a Wonderful Life' and rooting for Mr. Potter."

"Today in Bahrain, Michael Jackson announced that he gives thanks for his health and freedom. In a related story, millions of Americans are giving thanks that Michael Jackson lives in Bahrain."

"Some sad news this Thanksgiving - Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson announced they're getting divorced. First Brad and Jennifer, now Nick and Jessica; this means the most stable marriage in Hollywood is Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown."

"Today is Thanksgiving Day and across the country, Americans ate turkey. In fact, Tom Cruise said, 'Today was the second time Katie and I used our turkey baster.'"

"This year, many Americans were able to get advice over the Internet about how to cook their Thanksgiving turkeys. Unfortunately, if you make a typo when trying to visit the 'Butterball' website you end up looking at gay porn."

"Yesterday was the big Thanksgiving Day parade, and once again the most popular giant balloons were Grove and Spongebob Squarepants. The least popular balloon this year was Big Bird With Avian Flu."

"Today is the day after Thanksgiving, the day that is considered the busiest shopping day of the year. In fact, it was this time last year that Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes."

"Earlier today President Bush's twin daughters celebrated their 23rd birthday. In a related story, earlier today President Bush celebrated his 23 percent approval rating."

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she believed in Santa Claus until she was 17. Then someone told Paris that wasn't Santa who kept walking up to her shouting, 'Ho.'"

"An arbiter upheld Terrell Owen's suspension and ruled that Owens cannot play for a pro-football team this year. On the bright side, Owens can still play for the New York Jets."

"This week, the Vatican announced they are banning priests who are actively gay or supporting gay culture. The anti-gay announcement was made by a man in a flowing red smock trimmed with gold braid and silk tassels."

"According to a new survey, 1 out of 5 New Yorkers is obese. As a result, New York is thinking of changing its name to 'Wisconsin.'"

"This week, someone fired a pellet gun at the tour bus of Poison singer Bret Michaels but Michaels said it won't stop him from touring. Afterwards, the pellet shooter said, 'Good Lord, what do we have to do?'"

"This week, a consumer group warned that Mr. Potato Head is a dangerous toy because people can choke on its small pieces. After hearing this, Mrs. Potato Head sighed and said, 'Tell me about it.'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...