"Big news out of Washington. President Bush announced today that Condoleeza Rice will replace Colin Powell as Secretary of State. When asked why he was leaving, Powell said, 'I want to know what it's like to be ignored in the Private Sector.'"

"He's okay now, but Dick Cheney went to the hospital this weekend after experiencing shortness of breath. The doctors asked Cheney when he first noticed this and he said '1972.'"

"On Monday, police in Peru seized more than 1500 pounds of cocaine hidden I packs of frozen giant squid. The bust forced Red Lobster to cancel its 'All You Can Snort Buffet.'"

"It's been reported that David Lee Roth is now working as a paramedic on New York City ambulance. Unfortunately, earlier today the ambulance crew fired Roth and replaced him with Sammy Hagar."

"Last night at the Vibe Awards, a fight broke out and someone was stabbed when rapper Snoop Dogg was trying to honor Dr. Dre. Later it was learned that stabbing someone is one of the most common ways to honor Dr. Dre."

"Tomorrow is the opening of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. The opening ceremonies will feature speeches by former Presidents, a 100-piece orchestra, and a wet t-shirt contest."

"Earlier today, Star Jones and her new husband left for their honeymoon and they're spending it in the Middle East. In a related story, Osama bin Laden has surrendered."

"It's been reported that someone is trying to blackmail New York Yankee Gary Sheffield by claiming they have a video of Sheffield's wife having sex with R. Kelly. Apparently Sheffield is confident the video is fake because his wife is over 18."

"It's been reported that Britney Spears' website now includes a poem that Britney wrote for her new husband on their honeymoon. After hearing the poem, Britney's husband said 'That's sweet and all, but what I'd really like you to do is pay my Visa bill.'"

"Police say they are still looking for the person who stabbed someone at The Vibe Awards while Snoop Dogg was on stage. When police asked Snoop if he remembered seeing anything, he said 'not since 1987.'"

"Bill Clinton's Presidential Library opened in Little Rock, Arkansas today. The library contains 2 million photographs, 70,000 artifacts and 3,000 cocktail napkins with phone numbers."

"Not everyone's happy about the library though, some architectural critics say it looks like a giant doublewide trailer. In fact, there's even a sign outside that says, 'If the library's rocking, don't bother knocking.'"

"It's been reported that Martha Stewart made $33 million dollars yesterday because of the merger of K-Mart and Sears. Not only that, Martha made 2 packs of cigarettes for cleaning another inmates toilet."

"Playboy announced this week that it's website will feature a nude photo spread of McDonald's employees. To promote the event McDonald's has launched a new character called 'The Assburglar.'"

"Bill Clinton's Presidential Library opened today and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side, every night is Ladies Night."

"Star Jones is still very angry at the her co-hosts because they changed the seating arrangements at her wedding. Apparently Star is mad because she was forced to sit in the wrong two seats."

"Ozzy Osbourne says he's not going to make any more episodes of the reality show 'The Osbournes' because he doesn't like having cameras around all the time. Unfortunately nobody has the heart to tell Ozzy the show was cancelled two years ago."

"Kathie Lee Gifford has written a Broadway musical called Under the Bridge. Kathie Lee says she's excited about working on Broadway and being hated by a whole new audience."

"This week, an antique furniture store is suing Michael Jackson, claiming he owes them $200,000. After hearing this, Michael said, 'I wouldn't shop at an antique store, I hate anything older than 12.'"

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