"President Bush is in Japan today, and the prime minister took Bush on a tour of a temple. There was an awkward moment at temple when bush told the Japanese prime minister, 'Funny, you don't look Jewish.'"

"French President Jacques Chirac is asking his government to extend a national state of emergency until February. Under the rules, young men cannot go out after sundown unless they can prove they're going just going to cheat on their wives."

"In Ireland, a nursing home has installed a pub as a way of attracting more visitors. Apparently, at the nursing home pub, last call is really last call."

"In Japan, a company has come out with a line of ice cream that tastes like salmon, shrimp and lobster. The inventor says the idea for fish-flavored ice cream came to him after he got hit on the head with an Idiot Shovel."

"It was reported that over the weekend Paris Hilton's pet monkey bit her. Fortunately a doctor quickly showed up and gave the monkey shots."

"At one point during the Country Music Awards in New York, Elton John and Dolly Parton performed a duet. Viewers said, 'You could cut the lack of sexual tension with a knife.'"

"Earlier today, Former President Clinton gave a speech in the Middle East, and he said that invading Iraq was a big mistake. In fact, Clinton called the was in Iraq 'President Bush's Hillary.'"

"This week, Snoop Dogg announced he's coming out with his own line of hot dogs. Unlike other hot dogs, these pimp when you cook 'em."

"A company that offers a talking navigational system for drivers announced they're going to let customers choose celebrity voices, like Mr. T, Burt Reynolds, and Dennis Hopper. And in a related story, GM announced they're coming out with Pamela Anderson airbags."

"It's been reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning to get married before their baby is born. When asked why, Cruise said, 'We want our baby to be crazy - but not a crazy bastard.'"

"This week Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito said that he's embarrassed by some of the things he wrote in the 1980s. It turns out Alito wrote the song 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.'"

"This week liberal groups launched a series of ads attacking Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito and Republicans are saying the ads are offensive. Republicans say the only ads that are more offensive are the ones with the guy who's 'Jellin' like Magellan.'"

"An aquarium in Georgia has announced that it will be the first aquarium to feature digital fish on a computer generated environment. Experts say the only place that has more fake fish is Red Lobster."

"The other day in Philadelphia a kindergarten teacher found a five-year-old student with eight bags of heroin. The teachers became suspicious when they noticed the child had a Courtney Love lunch box."

"Rapper 50-Cent has announced that he's launching a series of books that will blend literature and hip hop. The first book in the series will be titled 'Pride & Prejudice & Stanky Ass Hoes.'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...