"Earlier tonight, CBS aired the 38th annual Country Music Association Awards. Apparently 51% of Americans watched the Country Music Awards and the other 49% voted for John Kerry."

"In a new interview, Colin Farrell said he is not interested in playing James Bond. When asked why, Farrell said, 'Bond doesn't get laid enough.'"

"It was reported this week that Ricky Martin's manager has dropped Ricky as a client. When reached for comment, Ricky Martin said, 'Man, you don't have a hit for eight years and they drop you like a hot potato.'"

"Star Jones is making final preparations for her upcoming wedding this Saturday. Sources say Jones had already ordered the cake, the flowers, and a cake to replace the first cake."

"Yesterday, New Jersey governor James McGreevey apologized for the gay sex scandal that forced him to resign. McGreevey said, 'I'd get down on my knees, but that's what got me in trouble in the first place.'"

"It's been reported that Martha Stewart wants her company to reimburse her for the $4 million she paid in legal fees. Apparently, Martha explained, 'the money's not just for me...I have a wife now.'"

"The Washington Post reports that Ralph Nader has demanded a recount of all his ballots in New Hampshire. So a New Hampshire official said, 'One, two...yup, it's two.'"

"Yesterday in New York, a woman gave birth to twins just before her 57th birthday. Apparently the woman and twins are doing well, but the doctor is still a little nauseous."

"Star Jones says that after her wedding this weekend she's hoping to take her new husband's name. Meanwhile, the guy she's marrying said that after the wedding he's hoping Star will untie him and let him go."

"This week a 57 year-old woman became the oldest American to give birth to twins and afterward she said this is a miracle from God. And by God, she means four doctors, another woman's eggs and a lab dish."

"It was reported today that President Bush has selected Alberto Gonzales to be his new attorney general. There was one awkward moment when Bush asked if he was related to Speedy Gonzales."

"Earlier today, controversial Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat passed away. In the Middle East, thousands of Palestinians showed their respect by flying flags at half-mast and throwing rocks underhand."

"Liza Minelli is being sued by her former bodyguard who claims Liza forced him to have sex with her. Liza could face a small fine or major prison time depending on whether they did it with the lights on."

"A 57 year-old woman became the oldest American to give birth to twins. Which means by the time the twins stop eating baby food, the mother will be ready to start."

"Today, Palestinians said an emotional farewell to their former leader Yasser Arafat. A spokesperson for the Palestinians said, 'we haven't been this upset since last week.'"

"A man in England is marketing a cell-phone in the shape of a Star Trek communicator. The man says the Star Trek cell-phone works great, but that it's unable to make contact with women."

"Today in New York, dozens of workers spent the day installing the enormous Christmas tree here at Rockefeller Center. Then tomorrow, the same crew will help Star Jones get ready for her wedding."

"This morning was the final episode of 'The View' before Star Jones' wedding and the other women on 'The View' gave Star's fianc? advice. They all said the same thing; 'Lift with you legs, not your back.'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...