"The election for governor of New Jersey is taking place today and as we speak it is way too close. I don't mean the race, I'm talking about New Jersey."

"Last week President Bush was in Latin America and later this week he'll be going to Asia. The trips are part of Bush's new domestic program, 'Don't Blame Me, I Wasn't There.'"

"Senator John McCain has introduced a bill in the Senate that would ban torture by U.S. citizens. McCain decided to ban torture after hearing the new rap single from Kevin Federline."

"It was reported today that plans are underway to build a new five-star hotel in Baghdad. Unlike most hotels, all the rooms will be smoking."

"Yesterday, Prince Charles gave a speech in San Francisco with Camilla at his side. Prince Charles says he likes visiting San Francisco -- because it's the one city where he can stand proudly next to the man he loves."

"Today the Christmas tree did arrive at Rockefeller Center. And this year it's a 74-foot spruce from New Jersey. Officials say before they can decorate the New Jersey tree, they'll have to remove its giant tracksuit. It's got a mullet, apparently."

"Michael Jackson's father says that Michael will never again live in the United States, and, instead, he's going to live in the Middle East. So take that, terrorists."

"According to the latest poll, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this, Arnold said, 'I'm not going to act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. I just can't do it! It's hard to do!'"

"This week, Coca-Cola made a big announcement. Coca-Cola announced that, by the end of the year, it will phase out Vanilla Coke. This is the most popular move since America phased out Vanilla Ice."

"Last night, Jennifer Aniston appeared on 'Larry King Live,' and when King asked too many questions about her sex life, Aniston said, 'Mind your own business.' King said, 'I would, but my sex life is disgusting. It's disgusting!'"

"The other day in Los Angeles, Paris Hilton was involved in a minor car accident. Apparently, Paris was rammed from behind, then, later, she had a car accident."

"President Bush is very angry at the Democrats now. In a speech earlier today, President Bush said that his opponents are rewriting the pages of American history. What really makes him mad is that they are using big words."

"Big news, tomorrow Senator Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton travel to the Middle East. Hillary said ancient grudges and longstanding feuds should be set aside, but enough about us."

"In a recent interview Ashlee Simpson said when she gets married she doesn't want to marry a singer. Ashlee said, in other words, 'I'm looking for someone like me.'"

"In a new interview, Geraldo Rivera said that in person Michael Jackson is much more normal. Fortunately, Jackson only seems normal when he's standing next to Geraldo Rivera."

"In a recent interview Rod Stewart said he doesn't do cocaine anymore because the cocaine was so much better in the 70's. Of course, so was Rod Stewart."


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...