"Of course, conservatives are very happy about the Bush victory. When Bill O'Reilly heard about it, he said, 'I haven't been this excited since? well, you know.'"

"In his concession speech this afternoon, John Kerry said he's so grateful he wishes he could hug each and every one of his supporters. After hearing this, Ralph Nader said, "I actually was able to hug all my supporters."

"During NBC's election coverage, a giant map of the United States was painted on the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink. The states were painted red when President Bush won, blue when John Kerry won, and yellow when Tim Russert had to relieve himself."

"Political experts say that this year's Florida was Ohio. As a result, this year's Spring Break is expected to suck."

"Yesterday, Marion Barry was elected overwhelmingly as a city councilman in Washington D.C. After hearing this, Marion Barry said, 'Wait, aren't I the same guy who was caught smoking crack?"

"When John Kerry called President Bush to concede the election, the call apparently lasted less than five minutes. The phone call would have been even shorter, but for the fist 3 minutes President Bush was talking in the wrong end."

"In a speech yesterday, President Bush called his victory over John Kerry "historic." The President said, "It's only the first time in history only 49% of Americans oppose my presidency."

"On Election Day, a young boy in the South was kicked out of a polling place because he was wearing a John Kerry t-shirt. Later the child was let back in when they realized it was John Edwards."

"According to the latest ratings, twice as many people watched Tom Brokaw's coverage of the election on NBC than watched the coverage on FOX News. Apparently the ratings for FOX News would have been higher, but Bill O'Reilly kept asking women if he could pole them."

"In a speech today, former President Clinton said, 'Democrats shouldn't sit around and whine about the election.' Instead, Clinton said Democrats should use the election as an excuse to ask for pity sex."

"Friends of John Kerry say that he has been extremely depressed after losing the election this week. In fact, Kerry is so down he hasn't been able to leave any of his houses."

"'The Wall Street Journal' reports that an increasing number of senior citizens are enrolling in college. School officials say they're just like regular students except they do 'Jell-O shots' for the Jell-O."

"In a recent interview, Tom Cruise said that he would like to climb Mount Everest. And you thought he looked short next to Nicole Kidman."

"Elton John is in talks with ABC to produce a new sitcom. The show will be called, 'The Real King of Queens'."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...