"Right now there's just 13 days left until the election. In other words, the length of one Red Sox-Yankee game."

"John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?'"

"Britney Spears announced on her website that she's decided to take some time off because 'the man upstairs' told her to do so. Not surprisingly, the 'man upstairs'is her unemployed husband."

"It's been reported that Mary Kate Olsen doesn't like going to school at NYU and she's thinking of dropping out of college. When asked why, Mary Kate said, 'I have a billion dollars.'"

"Former President Clinton says he's feeling better and that every day he walks a mile from his house. Clinton added that the hard part was sneaking back in without waking Hillary."

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that after he gave a speech at the Republican Convention, his wife Maria Shriver was so mad, she wouldn't have sex with him for 14 days. Schwarzenegger said things got so bad he had to call up Bill O'Reilly."

"Tonight was game 7 between the Yankees and the Red Sox. Reportedly, a scalper was selling tickets outside the stadium for $2,000 each. Police were going to arrest the scalper, but then they realized it was George Steinbrenner."

"In a new poll, Nickelodeon asked children who they would vote for in the presidential election and the kids picked John Kerry. Bush was so angry he told the kids tonight they would get a visit from the "Boogie-Cheney."

"Yesterday, one of Iran's top leaders announced that he wants President Bush to win the election. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'You know, for an evil doer, he's not such a bad guy.'"

"In a recent interview, Christina Aguilera admitted that she has sex while wearing handcuffs. Meanwhile, Bobby Brown admitted he does everything while wearing handcuffs."

"The Kellogg's company announced that they are pulling ads for their cereal off the show 'Desperate Housewives' because the show promotes loose morals. Not only that, Kellogg's fired Snap, Crackle and Pop for having a threesome."

"Last night, the Boston Red Sox won the American League Pennant after coming back from 3 games down to defeat the New York Yankees. In a related story, George Steinbrenner is being treated for Rabies."

"Yesterday, former President Clinton sent an e-mail to Democrats that said, 'There is so much riding on the outcome of this election.' Unfortunately Clinton accidentally used his private e-mail log-on, StudCracker34."

"Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight-suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier."

"In Florida, voting in the Presidential election started two weeks early, senior citizens are already reporting problems with the voting machines. Apparently the seniors are confused because when they pull the lever, no quarters come out."

"In a recent interview. Luciano Pavarotti said that years ago he was once so depressed he almost jumped out a window. But then, at the last minute, McDonald's brought back the McRib Sandwich."

"It's been reported that Bill O'Reilly's sexual harassment lawsuit is very close to being settled and both sides are in serious negotiations. For instance, today O'Reilly called the woman and said, 'Seriously, let me see your boobs.'"

"Yesterday, after giving a speech Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro tripped and fell on the floor. The floor was immediately arrested, interrogated and shot."

"The CEO of K-mart is resigning after only 10 months, but he is getting 90 million dollars in stock options. When asked what he planned to do with all that money, he said, "Never shop at K-Mart again."

"The owner of 'Mickey Mantle's" restaurant says that Mickey Mantle appeared to him in a dream and told him to rename the restaurant 'Ted Williams' in honor of the Red Sox. Not only that, last night Ted Williams appeared in his dream and said, 'Screw the restaurant, how about defrosting my head.'"

"Martha Stewart's lawyer says that while Martha's in prison 'she's been working on innovative recipes with her fellow inmantes.' In fact, earlier today, two of her cellmates made a 'Martha sandwich.'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...