"Tomorrow in Iraq, Saddam Hussein's trial finally begins and one Iraqi said, 'We hope we seen him cut to pieces and spread among the families.' And to show you how bad things are, that was one of Saddam's lawyers."

"Over the weekend Iraq held an election to approve their constitution and some Iraqis claim the voting was fixed in the provinces of Ninevah and Diyala. Which, by the way are the Iraqi words for Ohio and Florida. "

"This week, the U.S. government announced that it would not accept more than 300,000 meals donated to Hurricane Katrina victims by the British. A spokesman for the U.S. government explained that the Katrina victims have suffered enough."

"The company that makes Barbie dolls announced they're going to start making life-sized women's clothes based on Barbie's outfits. Experts say now men who collect Barbies can take their gayness to a whole new level."

"According to a new poll the most famous magazine cover of all time is the Rolling Stone cover where a naked John Lennon is hugging Yoko Ono. The least popular? When a naked Ruben Studdard hugged a glazed ham."

"David Copperfield has announced plans to impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Copperfield calls his new trick 'The Tom Cruise.'"

"Saddam Hussein's trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. "

"Saddam Hussein's trial was televised live and, of course, many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets. Mainly, because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets."

"In New Jersey, legislators are trying to pass a bill that would ban smoking while driving a car. The lawmakers say if New Jersey drivers want to inhale polluted air, they should just roll down the window."

"The other day, Hawaii passed a new law that will allow hunters to shoot stray cattle. As a result, Hawaiian authorities issued a warning to the fat guy from 'Lost.'"

"Ashton Kutcher announced that he's developing a sitcom about his relationship with Demi Moore. The show will be called 'How I Met Your Grandmother.'"

"Hurricane Wilma is hitting parts of Florida and many residents are getting out of there as fast as they can. Apparently, some of the Florida residents are driving at speeds of up to 45 miles an hour."

"In a press conference today, President Bush said that he and Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers 'share the same judicial philosophy.' When asked what that philosophy was, Bush said, 'He who smelt it, dealt it.'"

"'US Weekly' is reporting that Tom Cruise is shopping for a house in Toledo, Ohio. Cruise says he wants to move to Toledo because it's an easy commute to his job in Crazytown."

"Yesterday in California, Michael Jackson was summoned for jury duty. When asked about it, Jackson said, 'I don't want to be part of any system that lets people like me off.'"

"Paris Hilton is denying reports that she slept with actor Tom Sizemore. Paris said, 'I'm not even up to the S's yet.'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...