"Tonight the American League Championship Series begins between the Yankees and the Red Sox. If the Yankees win it means they will capture their 40th pennant and if the Red Sox win it means Wilfred Brimley has a shot with Halle Berry."

"One of the big rumors in Hollywood right now is that Jennifer Aniston is going to split up with Brad Pitt because he's spending too much time with Angelina Jolie. When asked to comment, Brad Pitt said, 'Isn't my life awesome?'"

"In Brazil, 50 inmates escaped from prison by tying sheets together and climbing out the window. Apparently, the sheets were from Martha Stewart's 'Spring Inmates' collection."

"A new survey has found that one of the top fears of British people is going to the dentist. Which proves the theory that what frightens us most is the unknown."

"The U.S. Forest Service says that a teenager who started a huge forest fire will be sent a bill for 10 million dollars. Which explains why the boy has been dressing provocatively and hanging around Michael Jackson's house."

"Tonight is the third and final presidential debate. During the first debate the moderator got to ask the candidates questions, during the second debate the live audience got to ask the candidates questions and during the third debate the home audience got to watch the baseball game."

"Bob Scheiffer, the moderator of tonight's debate, says that for the past several weeks people have been coming up to him in airports and suggesting questions. Which explains why Scheiffer's first question was 'would you like to become a Hare Krishna.'"

"Today the state of Ohio rejected Ralph Nader's attempt to get on the ballot. Experts say this will hurt Nader's chances of losing all 50 states."

"The New York Times reports that the Mets are starting their own television network. Not surprisingly, the Mets are calling the network 'Comedy Central.'"

"It's been reported that Martha Stewart is adapting well in prison and making lots of friends. In fact, just today Martha got together with some of her new friends to play 'stomp on the snitch.'"

"President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to voters' homes urging people to vote Democrat. Apparently you'll know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, 'What are you wearing?'"

"Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly is being sued for sexual harassment by a female coworker. Apparently the last straw was when he changed the name of his show from the 'O'Reilly Factor' to the 'Oh Baby Factor.'"

"The election is now only 19 days away. Which means in 19 days, the most annoying TV ads will be about that guy who's gellin' like Magellan."

"After the debate, Dick Cheney's wife Lynne was upset that John Kerry brought up their lesbian daughter. She said, 'The only thing that upsets me more is the fact that I brought up a lesbian daughter.'"

"Since Bill O'Reilly was sued for sexual harassment, the ratings for his show have doubled. As a result, I just wish to say, 'Max, you have a sweet ass.'"

"Today on the campaign trail, John Kerry spent the day reaching out to voters he considers 'persuadable.'" Meanwhile, President Bush spent the day reaching out to voters he considers 'persuadey-ish.'"

"John Kerry is facing a storm of criticism because during the debate the other night he referred to Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. Today, because of all the controversy Kerry canceled a speech entitled, 'Boy can those Bush Twins Drink!'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...