"According to the latest poll, only two percent of African-Americans think that President Bush is doing a good job. Apparently the percentage would have been higher but Condoleeza Rice has a small family."

"A lost manuscript by the composer Ludwig van Beethoven has been discovered - and it's going to be sold for over one million dollars. When he heard that Beethoven had written a manuscript, President Bush said, 'That dog can do anything!'"

"This week, the official newspaper of the Vatican condemned the sport of boxing. This was after the Vatican lost a bundle on the Corrales-Castillo fight."

"It's been reported that Kevin Federline is teaming up with Michael Jackson's father to build a dance studio. The slogan for the studio will be 'Where Lazy Meets Crazy.'"

"It's been rumored that Tom Cruise may name his child Xenu - after the galactic alien ruler of Scientology. Things have gotten so bad even the other Scientologists think Cruise is weird."

"In California, the mansion that was used as Batman's house in the 'Batman' TV show recently burned down. When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'This time the Joker's gone too far.'"

"Yankee fans are furious at Alex Rodriguez for playing so poorly in the playoffs and many of them have been insulting him in public. Apparently A-Rod got so angry that he took a swing at a fan and grounded into a double-play."

"Today is Luciano Pavarotti's 70th birthday. Reportedly, friends gave him a cake and good friends gave him several cakes."

"A man in New York is suing the Catholic Church because he said a priest made him gay. The man wants five million dollars or the soundstrack to 'Les Mis'."

"In some parts of Southern California, this week's episode of 'Desperate Housewives' was accidentally broadcast in Spanish. Apparently some viewers were so upset that they actually changed the channel to NBC."

"According to a new study, obese people can lose a significant amount of weight if they walk 12 miles a day. Which is why Applebee's is introducing its new 12-mile long buffet."

"A new medical study has found that having a clown in the operating room is beneficial for young patients. Apparently, kids look at the clown and think, 'Well, at least I'm not him.'"

"Sources in Hollywood say that recent photos of Katie Holmes make them believe she's already been pregnant for five months. When asked about this Katie said, 'That's ridiculous, he didn't even hire me until four months ago.'"

"This week New Jersey received so much so much rain that four New Jersey towns had to be evacuated. The Red Cross says the New Jersey evacuees are suffering from shock, hypothermia and a condition known as 'wet mullet.'"

"Officials in New Orleans announced that they are planning to hold Mardi Gras this year because they think it will help the city get back to normal. And by 'normal,' they mean drunk and topless."

"This weekend Iraqi citizens will vote on whether or not to approve their new constitution. It's an important day, because if they reject the constitution, the country could erupt in violence, and if they accept it, the country could erupt in violence."

"Tonight on '20/20,' Barbara Walters interviewed the new King of Saudi Arabia about women's rights and Walters asked why the King doesn't let women drive cars. The King answered with two words: Lindsay Lohan."

"In a new interview, J.Lo says she spends hours in the gym maintaining her rear end because she loves hearing people comment on it. Apparently, the comment she hears most often is: 'Let's wait under J.Lo's ass until it stops raining.'"

"According to a leaked memo, the producers of the James Bond movies have settled on a new 007 and apparently they passed on Hugh Jackman because he seemed too gay. On the bright side, Jackman has been asked to star in 'The Conan O'Brien Story.'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...