"Some political experts said that Dick Cheney was at a disadvantage during tonight's debate because Cheney is short, fat and unhealthy looking. The moderator during the debate didn't help either...he introduced Cheney as 'the white Ruben Studdard.'"

"In a recent interview, an author who is writing a book about Dick Cheney said that Cheney is misunderstood and 'is not a monster.' Then the author admitted, Cheney told me if I didn't say that he'd eat my children."

"The other day, Elton John said that Madonna cheats her fans because she lip synchs during her concerts but Madonna issued a statement strongly denying the charge. Apparently Elton John and Madonna are cranky because they're both about to hit menopause."

"It's been reported that Paris Hilton is consulting laser specialists about having the name of her ex-boyfriend removed from her rear end. Apparently Paris wants to get rid of the tattoo because it's right where everyone can see it."

"During the debate, John Edwards accused Dick Cheney of 'not being straight with the American people.' Apparently Cheney misunderstood because he started yelling, 'Who are you calling gay?'"

"During last night's debate there were 4 reporters there for every person in the audience. Not only that, there were 4 paramedics there for every Dick Cheney."

"Yesterday, Tiger Woods got married and among the guests were Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan and Bill Gates. Apparently, the three of them chipped in and bought the happy couple Indonesia."

"Tomorrow night President Bush and John Kerry will hold their second presidential debate on television. Or as most Americans call it, 'Game three between the Yankees and the Twins.'"

"The C.I.A. just came out with a new report and it said that Saddam Hussein was so fearful of the United States that he used a phone only two times since the 1990's; once to call his generals and once to vote for Justin Guarrini."

"The other night in Miami, Paris Hilton made her singing debut and it was so bad she was booed off stage. Afterwards, Hilton said, 'I'd be embarrassed, if that were possible.'"

"Al Sharpton turned 50 this week. The weird thing is, the clown at his party had the same haircut."

"Cher turns 60 years old this May and she announced she wants to celebrate her 60th birthday by doing a nude centerfold in a men's magazine. Which is odd, because the last thing a Cher fan wants to see is a naked woman."

"This morning Martha Stewart reported to prison and she had to submit to a complete body search. Everyone knew when Martha was getting strip-searched because she yelled at the guard for not getting in the corners."

"Former President Clinton and his wife Hillary will be celebrating their 29th wedding anniversary this weekend. Bill says its gonna be a romantic weekend, with dinner and a movie, and then later he'll give Hillary a call."

"The second Presidential debate was tonight. It was a town hall meeting. Last time that John Kerry did a town hall meeting a woman in the audience told him he was hot. Then she told Kerry that she needs health care so she could afford a pair of glasses."

"Over half of adults in the United States say they get their news about the Presidential election from the Internet. Not surprisingly, the most popular website is 'Swift boat veterans for Paris Hilton.'"

"This week a New York man filed a complaint against a local restaurant because the owner has a nude painting of Donald Trump on the wall. The disturbing part is, it turns out Trump has two bad comb overs."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...