"It's been reported that Katie Holmes is so devoted to Tom Cruise, she's going to take his name after they get married. So after the wedding, she'll be known as 'Katie Holmes Nut Job.'"

"Some conservatives are upset with President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers, because it turns out she donated money to Al Gore's campaign in 1988. Miers defended herself by saying, 'Come on, we all did a lot of embarrassing things in the '80s.'"

"It's been announced that Courtney Love's New York City apartment will be rented out while she's in rehab. In other words, you'll have to move out in 20 years."

"The latest political rumor is that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is close to naming his successor. Kim Jong-Il says the only person with sunglasses big enough to replace him is Nicole Richie."

"Dr. Phil is being sued by three people who claim that his diet plan is a waste of money and doesn't work. Not surprisingly, they figured this out by looking at Dr. Phil."

"A woman is suing her doctor because he tricked her into having sex by telling her that it would cure her back problem. Apparently, things really got out of hand when the doctor said he could also cure her toothache."

"President Bush defended his Supreme Court nominee, Harriet Miers, calling her 'plenty bright.' Not only that, the President also said that Miers has 'real purty hair.'"

"Michael Jackson is suing a German promoter for breach of contract. Michael told reporters, 'When I said I wanted to be paid in marks, I meant boys names 'Mark.''"

"The World Health Organization is predicting that the number of obese people in the world will double in the next ten years. When Americans heard this, they said, 'Ten years? We can do it in five.'"

"It's been reported that Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium, died this week. Not surprisingly, Sternbach's family is taking it very well."

"The other day, Paris Hilton broke off her engagement, but said that her fiance will always be her best friend. Paris said, 'If he were in trouble, I'd stop whoever I was doing to be with him.'"

"Yesterday, Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers told reporters, 'President Bush is the most brilliant man I've ever met.' Actually the entire quote was 'President Bush is the most brilliant man I've ever met ... who still eats paste.'"

"Last night, as the result of a bomb scare, police interrupted a Rolling Stones concert and searched the stage with bomb sniffing dogs. There was an awkward moment when one of the dogs buried Keith Richards."

"Wal-Mart is introducing a new line of clothing they say will be more fashionable and stylish than the company's traditional offerings. This is good news for women who've been looking for that perfect pair of Chanel sweatpants."

"The big story in Hollywood is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. The couple is excited about the new addition to their family, saying, 'We have so much love and craziness to give.'"

"Producers are working on a Broadway musical version of 'The Lord of the Rings.' Experts say now there will finally be a musical for gay nerds."


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...