"This week, President Bush hinted that his next choice for Supreme Court nominee could be a minority. The President said, 'It could be a Latino or it could be a Chinese-o.'"

"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama visited New Jersey. At one point, the Dalai Lama looked around and said, 'Okay, maybe there isn't goodness everywhere.'"

"The actor who played 'Big Pussy' on the Sopranos has plead guilty to assault charges. Experts say that before Big Pussy goes to prison he should definitely think of a new nickname."

"Yesterday, Donald Trump's wife Melania Knauss announced that she is pregnant. Trump's exact words were 'She's gonna be 'uge.'"

"In a recent interview, Courtney Love says that now that she's over 40 she's decided not to flash her breasts in public anymore. Courtney's exact words were, 'From now on, I'm all about the crotch.'"

"'Us Weekly' is reporting that Ashton Kutcher cried during his wedding to Demi Moore. When asked about it, Moore said, 'Of course Ashton cried. He's teething.'"

"According to 'Acess Hollywood,' Britney Spears and Kevin Federline renovated their entire house before they brought home their new baby. You can watch the whole renovation on 'Pimp My Mobile Home.'"

"Acoording to the 'New York Post,' Mick Jagger is being impersonated by a look-alike who's been going around town getting the VIP treatment at several nightclubs. Not only that, Keith Richards is being impersonated by a man who died 12 years ago."

"'Premiere' magazine has come out with a list of the 25 most shocking scenes in movie history and number one is the penis reveal scene in 'The Crying Game.' Suprisingly, number two is the penis reveal scene in 'The Sound of Music.'"

"Actress Tara Reid said she turned down millions of dollars to pose nude for 'Playboy.' The weird thing is Tara won't get nude for money, but she will get nude for three shots of Jager."

"This week, eight people were arrested for illegally releasing an internet verison of the final 'Star Wars' movie before it was released in theaters. On the bright side, now that they're going to prison, the 'Star Wars' fans will finally lose their virginity."

"CNN reported that this week Bill Gates - the world's richest man - received a raise from Microsoft. Gates was excited, saying, 'With this raise, I can finally buy that Canada I've had my eye on.'"

"President Bush is about to nominate another judge for the Supreme Court. Republicans say he has it narrowed down to about 12 people. Or, as Bush says, 'All ym fingers and two toes.'"

"Yesterday Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and stripped of his Congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'"

"It's been reported that this fall Geraldo Rivera will be getting his own TV news show. Apparently, they're having a little trouble coming up with the name because there's already a show called 'The Biggest Loser.'"

"Fox News reports that Michael Jackson asked Stevie Wonder to appear on his new album, but Stevie turned him down. Stevie's exact quote was, 'I'm blind, not crazy.'"

"It's been reported that Spain is the number one consumer of cocaine in the world. Apparently, Spain narrowly beat out Kate Moss."

"In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Then the President flew to Hawaii to make the same speech."

"Scientists say that the ingredients to make tequila can help you lose weight. Apparently, it can also help you lose your balance, your wallet and your car keys."

"It's been announced that Elton John has written a new Broadway musical. A spokesperson for the musical said now that Elton John is involved, Broadway can finally start attracting some gay fans."


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