"Earlier today Northwest Airlines became the first commercial airline to resume flights to New Orleans. In order to prepare passengers for the disaster in New Orleans the in-flight was 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'"

"Yesterday, Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, who was heavily criticized for his handling of the Katrina disaster, decided to resign. Brown's next job is to oversee NBC's fall line-up."

"It was reported today that Michael Jackson has asked Jay-Z to perform on a new single for charity. The song they picked is 'Ebony and Ivory.'"

"This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T-shirts."

"Michael Jackson announced he's planning to return to California for the first time since his trial to record a song about Hurricane Katrina. As a result, all children are being evacuated from the area."

"Traffic was horrible in Manhattan today because 170 world leaders are in town for the 60th anniversary of the United Nations. On the bright side, all 170 leaders were able to find a cab driver who spoke their language."

"Yesterday at his confirmation hearing, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said, 'Good lawyers can argue any side of a case.' Then Roberts said, 'No, they can't.'"

"It's been reported that during her pregnancy Britney Spears has put on 50 pounds, while the average woman only puts on 30 pounds. Doctors are attributing the extra 20 pounds to 'jerky and Shasta.'"

"'Playboy' announced that they are working on a new pictorial that will feature nude photos of women who work at the Gap. Sadly, the women are all former playmates who now work at the Gap."

"Congratulations to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, they had a baby yesterday. Spears said he sleeps 18 hours a day and so does the baby."

"It's been reported that one of the first things to reopen in New Orleans is a place called 'Big Daddy's Strip Club.' The second thing to reopen in New Orleans is the ATM at Big Daddy's Strip Club."

"Earlier today in Mississippi, eight dolphins who were washed out of an aquarium during the hurricane were rescued from the Gulf of Mexico. Afterwards, the dolphins said 'Thank God we've been saved from swimming freely in the ocean and put back in our tanks.'"

"Earlier this week the cowboy from The Village People celebrated his 53rd birthday. When asked if he was going to spend his birthday with his wife and children, he said, 'Helloo?! I'm the cowboy from the Village People.'"

"During his testimony in front of the Senate today, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said that his favorite movie was 'Dr. Zhivago.' President Bush said that 'I also love 'Dr. Zhivago,' especially the part where he talks to the animals.'"

"Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had a baby this week, and they want to thank everyone for the gifts they've received. Apparently the baby now has everything he needs, except for a father with a job."

"A group of scientists is worried because mice infected with bubonic plague have escaped in Newark, New Jersey. Apparently the scientists are worried for the mice."

"Renee Zellweger and country music Kenny Chesney announced they're going to have their 4-month marriage annulled. Details of the breakup will be unavailable until Chesney writes his next country song."

"Mr. T has announced that he's going to stop wearing his signature gold chains because it seems inappropriate after Hurricane Katrina. Mr. T's exact words were, 'I pity the fool who wears bling in a time of national tragedy.'"

"Yesterday, Kirstie Alley announced that she recently lost 50 pounds. Then today, Kirstie announced she found it under some of her other pounds."

"This week Gillette announced that it was coming out with a new shaver that has five blades. The first blade lifts the skin, the other four kill you."


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...