"This week the Israeli government began moving thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza Strip. Officials say once the area is cleared of all Jews, the land will be renamed 'Utah.'"

"This week Lance Armstrong is going on a bike ride with President Bush. Apparently, Armstrong's mom and the President's mom set the whole thing up."

"It was reported today that Michael Jackson recently bought a palace in Bahrain. When asked about it, Michael said, 'It's great. The palace overlooks a lake and the government overlooks my obsession with young boys.'"

"This week, a groundskeeper for the New York Mets pleaded guilty to running a $360 million dollar gambling ring from inside the stadium. The man said, 'It was simple. All I did was bet against the Mets.'"

"Police are on the lookout for a man wearing a diaper who has been approaching women and asking to be changed. Witnesses are describing the man as 'Larry King.'"

"Farmers in Russia don't have enough food to feed their cattle this year so they're going to feed their cows tons of marijuana that was confiscated from drug dealers. You can tell which cows they ware because instead of going 'Moooo' they go 'Whoaaaa!'"

"This week Israel began evacuating thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza strip. As a result, it's now impossible to find an accountant there."

"Today, President Bush announced he's going to leave his ranch in Crawford, Texas, to visit Idaho for two days. However Bush told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I won't do any work there, either.'"

"This week, hundreds of thousands of people turned out to greet the new pope when he returned home to Germany. Afterwards, the Pope said, 'Wow, I feel like Hasselhoff.'"

"China says they want to launch a flight to the moon by 2007. China says they want to be the first country to put a menu on the moon."

"According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here."

"Last night in Oakland, Rafael Palmeiro was repeatedly booed by 25,000 people because of his steroid scandal. Afterwards, Palmeiro said, 'The booing made me feel as small as my testicles.'"

"Seven cities in Texas are competing to be the future home of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Or, as President Bush plans to call it, 'My Learnin' Shed.'"

"It's been reported that a man in California has developed a car that will go 250 miles on one gallon of gas. The man says he's going to start driving it as soon as he saves up enough money to buy one gallon of gas."

"Earlier this week, 80,000 homes in New Jersey were without power because a storm knocked out the electricity. Residents of New Jersey said the worst part of the power outage was having to towel dry their mullets."

"This week the Weather Channel announced they are changing their slogan to 'Bringing Weather to Life.' Apparently, they decided it was better than their old slogan 'Just Look out the Window, You Lazy Bastard.'"

"Recently, the country of Canada legalized gay marriage. Apparently, it's had quite an impact because today Canada changed its flag from a maple leaf to a pinecone and a pair of nuts."

"This week, Baltimore Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro said that he wants to tell 'his side of the steroid story.' Apparently, Palmeiro says he wants to get the story off his chest and the needle out of his ass."

"This week the readers of InStyle magazine voted Clay Aiken 'America's Sexiest Crooner.' Even more impressive, Aiken won in both the male and female categories."

"This week in London, a nun angry about the movie 'The DaVinci Code' showed up on the set and disrupted filming. What I want to know is where was she when they were making 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'"

"Scientists are developing a new drug that keeps people who suffer form chronic fatigue from falling asleep. The scientists are calling the drug 'cocaine.'"

"Michael Jackson is in Bahrain, where sources say he has been spending time with his 20-year-old prot?g?. Later, Jackson admitted that the 20-year-old prot?g? was really two 10-year-olds."


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