"Today at the White House President Bush spoke to the astronauts who are orbiting the Earth on the space shuttle Discovery. Unfortunately the astronauts couldn't hear the President because he was standing on the White House lawn with a megaphone."

"Yesterday, Baltimore slugger Rafael Palmiero tested the positive for steroids a few months after telling congress, 'I never took steroids, period.' Then today, Palmiero said, 'I mean to say 'I never took steroids, question mark.'"

"It's been reported that Britney Spears is having financial trouble and recently took out a $5 million loan. Kevin Federline offered to co-sign the loan and then everyone had a big laugh."

"Sean Connery has announced that he will never make another Hollywood movie. Connery's fans are upset, because they were really looking forward to his next James Bond movie: 'Octogenarianpussy.'"

"A light saver used in the original 'Star Wars' was bought for $200,000 at a recent auction. The buyer wishes to remain anonymous and a virgin."

"According to 'The New York Post', Michael Jackson is considering buying a house and moving to the Middle East. Which means we've finally figured out a way to strike back at Al Qaeda."

"Baltimore Orioles' slugger Rafael Palmeiro claims he didn't intentionally take steroids; he must have taken them accidentally. Apparently, Palmeiro handed his trainer a syringe and said, 'Surprise me.'"

"Yesterday, President Bush left for an extended vacation where he's planning to relax and take it easy at his ranch for five weeks. Which explains why President Bush's new Secret Service Codename is 'Kevin Federline.'"

"It was reported today that an anti-Hillary Clinton Web site has only been able to raise 12,000 dollars. When asked why, Bill Clinton said, 'That's all I had.'"

"The New York Daily News reports that Martha Stewart's house arrest will be extended for an extra three weeks. Apparently, Martha isn't upset, but the house is furious."

"In Oklahoma, a Native American woman is suing the Cherokee Nation because they won't recognize her lesbian marriage. The woman also said she wants to take her partner's Indian name 'She-Who-Wears-A-Tool-Belt.'"

"Michael Jackson and his ex-wife Debbie Rowe have reportedly worked out a deal for visitation rights. Under the deal, Rowe will see their kids twice a week and Michael will see other kids 3 times a week."

"It was so hot today that Paris Hilton's heat rash was actually a heat rash."

"Yesterday, the Baltimore Orioles announced they are canceling a ceremony celebrating Rafael Palmeiro's 3000th hit. However, the Orioles will hold a ceremony celebrating Palmeiro's 3000th injection."

"This week, rapper Snoop Dogg started doing a series of commercials for Chrysler automobiles. This marks the first time Snoop has recommended a dealer who sells cars."

"Tonight, the Oxygen Network aired a beauty pageant for plus-size women. Apparently, the winner was given the same crown they give you at Burger King."

"Britney Spears is reportedly fighting with her husband Kevin Federline because he's insisting that their child be named after him. Apparently Britney told him, 'Why would I want to name him 'Lazy Jackass?'"


Have a look back on Conan classic lines...