"In a speech this week Hillary Clinton compared President Bush to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. After hearing this the President said, 'Finally a literary reference I understand.'"

"Tom Cruise is currently in Rome right now working on 'Mission Impossible 3.' It should be exciting because in this one Cruise fights his two arch-enemies" Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields."

"He's going to be fine but earlier today Brad Pitt checked into a hospital in Los Angeles with the flu. Pitt insists he's not in bed with the flu, they are just good friends."

"The bra company Maidenform announced that they are going to take the company public and begin selling stock. The stock is expected to rise at first and then over time droop significantly."

"Today, the mayor of Paris announced that after losing out on the 2012 Olympics the city will not make a bid for 2016. When asked why the mayor of Paris said, 'We like to be the ones who do the snubbing.'"

"Earlier today, the National Hockey League tentatively agreed to end its 300-day lockout. This is the best news for Canadians since Celine Dion moved to Las Vegas."

"The White House says President Bush is standing by his top adviser Karl Rove, even though Rove apparently revealed the identity of a CIA agent. However the President says he will fire Rove if he reveals the ending to 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.'"

"This week, Paris City Hall changed its mind and decided to not make Tom Cruise an honorary citizen. You can tell Cruise is really upset because he's now on antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist."

"The producers of 'American Idol' are auditioning more singers than ever for next season, holding auditions in 50 U.S. cities. The producers say they're looking for talented hard-working singers willing to sleep with Paula Abdul."

"In Germany, a woman who won a recent beauty pageant has admitted that she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was 'hiding her testicles.'"

"Yesterday, President Bush was asked if he would consider nominating someone to the Supreme Court who has never been a judge before and he said, 'You bet.' Then the President said the same thing when someone asked if he wanted to take the day off and play laser tag."

"President Bush went to Indiana today to try to reach out to the state's black voters. Apparently Indiana's blacks are divided: one likes Bush but the other doesn't."

"The other day, former President Clinton played golf with Yankee manager Joe Torre. Apparently they spent most of the time trying out figure out who's a bigger pain in the ass, Hillary or George Steinbrenner."

"This week in New York, a judge ruled that a 98-year-old man was not mentally sound when he got married last year. The judge may have a point because the 98-year-old man married a dust buster."

"This Saturday, hundreds of 'Harry Potter' parties will be held to celebrate the release of the new 'Harry Potter' book. When they heard this, even Star Wars fans said, 'That is so pathetic.'"

"This week, armed robbers stopped a truck in Brazil and stole 400 breast implants. As a result, they've delayed the opening of the new Hooters in Rio."

"President Bush says he's thinking about appointing someone to the Supreme Court who's never been a judge before. Bush says he's got it narrowed down to a Cowboy or a Fireman."

"It was reported today that Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is now being urged not to retire. In fact, Clarence Thomas told her, 'Please don't go, you're so much hotter than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.'"

"Today Wal-Mart announced that it is opening a store in China. A spokesperson for Wal-Mart said, 'We figured we should finally start selling our crap to the people who make it.'"

"Drew Barrymore says she will stop acting and become a director when her 'boobs start sagging.' Which, by the way, this is the same reason Michael Moore became a director."

"In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said that when he dies he wants his body to be frozen. Not surprisingly, once Jackson is frozen he wants to have his body placed in an ice cream truck."


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