"President Bush has agreed to meet with a bipartisan group of senators to discuss who he will appoint to the Supreme Court. The President says that so far he has it narrowed down to Judge Reinholdt and Judge Judy."

"Earlier this week Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming. Schwarzenegger's exact words were 'Fire. Hot. Bad.'"

"Scientists announced this week that a diet high in soy beans and high in soy sauce may reduce fertility in men. Which finally explains China's dreadfully low population."

"A 646-lb catfish has been caught in Thailand and experts are calling it a new world record. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley calls it 'The thing I'm going to eat next.'"

"It's been reported if Tom Cruise gets married to Katie Holmes, each of his wives will have been 11 years younger than the previous one. Which explains why yesterday Katie Holmes went up to Dakota Fanning and said, 'Back off, bitch.'"

"While in Scotland for the G-8 Summit, President Bush fell off his bike and had to be treated for scrapes on his hands and arms. The White House physician said the President will be fine and back on his big wheel in no time."

"This morning the International Olympic Committee shocked everybody when they chose London to host the 2012 Olympics instead of the frontrunner Paris, France. The French say this is their most embarrassing defeat since every single war they've ever fought."

"Right now the number one movie at the box office is 'War of the Worlds' starring Tom Cruise. The movie is a bit different than the original version. In this one Cruise plays a man who saves the world from anti-depressants."

"A software company has developed a 3-D video game that allows players to design and control their own strippers. Experts say it's the perfect game for people who fear the intimacy of a real strip club."

"The other night Star Jones was honored at the BET Awards. Halfway through, Jones stormed out angrily and said, 'I thought this was the BLT Awards.'"

"It's been reported Michael Jackson gave every juror in his trial a Tiffany's key chain engraved with the words 'I will love you forever.' Then on the back it says, 'See you at the next trial.'"

"In a new interview, Katie Holmes says that despite her engagement to Tom Cruise, she's not ready to get married right now. When asked why, Holmes said, 'I just want to wait until Tom's check clears.'"

"This week, in Florida, O.J. Simpson was assaulted by his girlfriend in a domestic disturbance. Afterwards O.J. said, 'Yeah, is she perfect for me or what?' She's everything I want.'"

"Yesterday the city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics, apparently they're very bitter about it. Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people."

"NBC announced that next season Lara Flynn Boyle will appear regularly on Las Vegas. Apparently Boyle will play the lever on a slot machine."

"Britney Spears has agreed to pose nude and pregnant for the cover of 'Vanity Fair' Magazine. In a related story, her husband Kevin Federline has agreed to pose for the cover of 'Lucky Jackass' Magazine."

"It's been reported that Michael Jackson gave every juror in his trial a Tiffany key chain engraved with the words 'I will love you forever.' The weird thing was that each key chain had the name 'Timmy' crossed out.'"

"The White House says President Bush is in no hurry to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court, which makes sense, since it took him four weeks to pick his favorite Teletubby."

"Earlier today the International Olympic Committee voted to eliminate baseball from the Summer Olympics. When asked why, officials said 'We simple don't have enough steroids for both baseball and track and field.'"

"Today Vice President Dick Cheney had a medical checkup. He received a cardiogram and stress test. In other words, he got what the doctors call 'The Full Cheney.'"

"Paula Abdul is being sued by a designer who claims that Abdul never returned $40, 000 dollars worth of dresses she borrowed to wear on 'American Idol.' Abdul says she cannot return them because Ryan Seacrest is wearing them."

"Earlier this week Ralph Nader's 2004 election coordinator was found guilty of election fraud. Apparently, Nader didn't really get six votes ? he got five."

"In an effort to lose weight, a 400-lb man is walking across the U.S. So far it hasn't worked because he is walking from one Taco Bell to another."

"Warner Brothers' announced they will release a three-disc set of 'The Wizard of Oz.' It's going to cost $40, which may seem expensive, but it's the cheapest way to tell your parents you're gay."


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