"Yesterday in California Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all ten counts and, when he heard the verdict, even Michael said, 'That jury is crazy.'"

"Earlier today, Michael Jackson's lawyer said that Michael will no longer share a bed with young boys. Which explains why this afternoon, Michael was spotted buying a large hammock."

"According to a poll, more than 60 percent of white people believe that the Michael Jackson verdict was wrong. Which is really a shame, I hate to see his own people turn against him."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed to give a speech to California's voters but it was bumped so that the Michael Jackson verdict could be televised. Arnold was really upset and said 'If I can't speak to the voters, how are they supposed to not understand me?'"

"According to a new study, people who are obese are 30% more likely to suffer from insomnia. Which explains why the Applebees by Kirstie Alley's house is open 24 hours."

"According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women."

"Yesterday, Michael Jackson's lawyer Tom Mesereau said that Michael will no longer bring young boys into his bed. In fact, Michael said, 'From now on, I'm going to crash at their place.'"

"It was reported today that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys."

"The New York Yankees have unveiled plans for their new stadium, which will be built in 2008. Like the Yankees, the Stadium will be incredibly expensive and collapse in June."

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said she plans on retiring in two years. Hilton said, 'For once I'd like to lie back, put my feet up and have nobody between them.'"

"It was reported today that the major networks have been approached about doing a reality show about Michael Jackson and his family. The show will be called 'Queer Eye for the Young Guy.'"

"It's been reported that Michael Jackson is planning to leave the country this Sunday and will either go to Africa or Switzerland. Michael's confused because his ancestors come form Africa but he looks like he's from Switzerland."

"It was reported today that there is a made for TV movie in the works about Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Ironically, the star of the movie will be chosen after an exhaustive, nationwide search."

"To raise money for charity, Paris Hilton was photographed recently wearing nothing but high heels. When asked about it, Paris said, 'Since it was for a good cause I decided to put on high heels.'"

"Some film reviewers say the latest 'Batman' movie hints that Batman might be gay. They may be right because in this version the bat signal is a picture of Cher."

"Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine is urging Michael to sell his Neverland Ranch and move to a country overseas. Which explains why today at the United Nations dozens of people were overheard saying 'You take him', 'No, you take him.'"

"Michael Jackson announced that tomorrow he's thanking his supporters by taking them to an Indian casino. Not only that, Michael said he's going to use his Indian name: 'Walks-with-a-10-year-old.'"

"Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced that they have gotten engaged. Afterwards, Katie Holmes was very excited and said, 'I couldn't believe it when my publicist told me.'"

"No one was hurt, but yesterday in Florida, a Goodyear Blimp crash-landed next door to a Red Lobster restaurant. Afterwards, the manager of the Red Lobster was unfazed and said, 'We get a lot of blimps in here.'"

"This week George Lucas was given the American Film Institute's Lifetime Achievement award. Not only that, C-3PO was given a lifetime achievement award by 'Gay Robot Magazine.'"

"In a new interview, Billy Bob Thornton said that having sex with Angelina Jolie was like having sex with a couch. In a related story, never buy a used couch from Billy Bob Thornton."


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