"In a recent interview, former 'American Idol' contestant Corey Clark said he's going to spend the next several months 'repairing his reputation.' After that, Clark said he's going to spend the next several years 'repairing refrigerators.'"

"Yesterday President Bush gave a speech in the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and he said, 'The path of freedom you have chosen is not easy, but you will not travel it alone.' Apparently, the President's speech was written by Yoda."

"This week, the woman who claimed to find a finger in her chili at Wendy's was arrested on felony charges. The woman says she hopes to get off with a slap on the wrist, then pulled a wrist out of her purse."

"According to a new study, girls can develop the traits for cruelty and manipulation as early as 3 years old. Or, as Martha Stewart calls them, 'Late bloomers.'"

"Paris Hilton's movie, 'House of Wax' made over 12 million dollars on its opening weekend. Which makes it Paris Hilton's second biggest opening."

"It's been reported that Michael Jackson is in so much debt he was recently forced to sell his Neverland Ranch for $35 million. Not only that, it's going to cost another $35 million to get rid of that new boy smell."

"Former 'American Idol' contestant Corey Clark says he can prove he had sex with Judge Paula Abdul by identifying a 'distinguishing characteristic' on Abdul's body. Apparently it's a birthmark that, like Abdul, was much bigger in the 80's."

"Yesterday, a Good Humor Ice Cream Man received 90 days probation because he told a kid he was fat and pushed him off his bicycle. The fat kid is suing for $10,000 but said he'd settle for a box of Fudgesicles."

"A new dating service has been launched that sets up single people who are celibate. In other words, it sets up 'Star Wars' fans with 'Star Trek' fans."

"Today at an auction Andy Warhol's portrait of Elizabeth Taylor was sold for 12 million dollars. So far the identity of the gay buyer has not been revealed."

"Today President Bush met with 6 Central American leaders to discuss a new Latin American trade agreement. Things got off to an awkward start when Bush introduced them as the band Los Lobos."

"Yesterday the White House and the Capital building were briefly evacuated after a small plane drifted into restricted airspace. Police tracked down the plane and identified the pilot: runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks."

"It was reported today that the FCC is unlikely to investigate Paula Abdul over allegations she had sex with an 'American Idol' contestant. A spokesperson for the FCC said, 'Being Paula Abdul is punishment enough.'"

"A man in South Carolina announced that he is suing an ice cream stand after he found a finger in his ice cream. The man told reporters, 'Thank god I didn't ask for nuts.'"

"Michael Jackson is denying rumors that he is selling his Neverland Ranch. Michael said, 'I could never sell this place, it's full of too many repressed memories.'"

"This week President Bush was spotted carrying around a book that he says he started reading four months ago. Apparently, he still hasn't found Waldo."

"Steven Spielberby says that after fans see the new 'Star wars' movie they will leave the theater in tears. Mainly because they'll realize they wasted 25 years of their life."

"Ozzie Osbourne claims that living in England is too expensive and that it cost him over $100 to fill up his car with gas. The someone explained to Ozzie that he should put the nozzle in the gas tank, not the window."

"President Bush's nominee for UN ambassador John Bolton is in danger of being rejected by the Senate because he's known for abusing subordinates and frequently losing his temper. Today, President Bush announced his second choice...coach Bobby Knight."

"A judge in Michigan has ordered a cable company to stop airing a public access show because the show features a talking penis. Which means, now the only talking penis on televsion is Geraldo."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...